Never mind

I had a nice evening, but I'm not sure it was the sort where I felt sparks fly. Maybe that's a good thing, I'm not sure. The film was great and we talked lots about different things, it wasn't awkward really. Just, didn't feel the same excitement as I did when I saw Lee. He also reminded me of Oli, who in turn made me think of Joe and how I dearly want to go back to those times and maybe do things differently...I don't know. I feel lost again, a lil deflated.
I just, look around at all the couples linked arm in arm, smiling at the lights, looking cosy and happy. I want that very much, probably too much really. It's radiating from my aura and guys can smell it a mile away, it's a repellent. I know I shouldn't want it so much and it'll come to me in it's own time. But I don't want to fuck around anymore, I don't want to keep getting excited to meet new people to then let them flake out again...I just wish I knew what it is I should be doing, who I should take the chance with, if anymore out of all the people I've met and know...maybe it's none of them.
Sigh.
At a loose end. Drank two cups of black coffee and now it's 11.15 I'm awake as anything. I've eaten two thirds of a still frozen garlic bread and cheap cookies, feeling like I belong in a lame chick flick with a stupid voice over saying how i've completely lost the plot. My nice underwear is strewn across the floor, though I ought to wear it just in case things got, well, lucky I guess. But it's funny really, I didn't get that sort of vibe off him. He wasn't unattractive, but he did look a bit weathered, like he'd been through a substancial amount more of life than me, which is accurate. He is 8 years older than me. Not that it's a bad thing, but that lil buzz I usually get just wasn't buzzing, I enjoyed talking to him, but I didn't want to get closer to him really. I just felt as though I shouldn't have got so excited beforehand. I wonder how he thinks it went, we hugged goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, I was glad of this because I wasn't sure I wanted to kiss him. Maybe he felt I was a little bit young for him, who knows.
Ah well, back to the drawing board. Or, deleting board. Maybe I should make a clean break from everything and everyone and just see what happens. I don't know, none of this would seem such a big deal if I had more friends...distracting me from the daftness of the situation.
Maybe I should try and sleep.
Lee has texted me today which has been kinda nice, talking about his 'fake christmas' with his housemates. I wonder if I'll see him again. I feel like in my bones we will, but I'm not sure how much more of this casualness I can take. Because when we're together, we are very couple-y. If it was just sex, I could adjust to that certainly. But I'd know what to expect. This way, I just have no idea what he wants...well, I do actually, this situation must be pretty sweet for him really. Not really committing to anything, meeting up when suits him to fuck and get drunk to then dissapear for a while. Maybe next time when I see him I'll tell him I'd be interested in making a bit of a go of it. See him run off to the hills. But then at least that way I'll know for sure if we're on the same page.

I said to Alex I might go and see him tomorrow, I'm tempted but I think it's more for the company and the purpose of the day. Maybe this is what depression feels like. Really, I should go to the gym. It's been a good couple of weeks and I'm out of my routine, maybe that would make me feel better. Maybe I should go to dads again. I'd stay in and do artwork but it makes me sad as I don't talk to anyone during the day...ah well. Never mind.