It was the nightmare before Christmas...

And so, the big day is nearly upon us. Me and my brother were talking about how once this day was just so incredibly important, we'd get up at 4am to open santa's gifts together and play computer games until the parents woke up. Ah, childhood. To be young and free and excitable, you wish dearly for time to fly, such big, great ambitions and silly little fears, always looked after and guided along the way.

I can't go back to those days, but I dearly hope that some day I'll be one of tired, groggy parents gathering gifts and wrapping them silently in the night for young ones trying to sleep. I hope it's not too far away. 

I've had a lovely day today, it's been really nice catching up and hanging out like we all used to, sharing drinks, eating pizza, watching films and playing games. I feel I should be out with old school friends getting drunk in pubs by the seaside, but in reality, I'm happy with our usual traditions. I hope tomorrow goes ok too, the big day n all. 

I'm a bit worried about mum, she doesn't seem too happy from what I hear from ed and I think I'm a big part of that. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I think she's upset that she's not in control of anything I'm doing. She feels she knows what's best for me, and, she may well be right but I don't care for the pressure. I'm not sure if she's actually got much to be concerned about anyway, because the likelihood of me and lee actually amounting to anything feels so very small indeed. I don't want this to be hard for me to get over but it feels like it will be. Last night, I actually prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, assistance and guidance. It's been a long time since I've done that, it's been a long time since I felt the need to I suppose. Im worried for my own wellbeing too, because I know I'm pouring too much effort into something I also don't have much control over at all. It's someone else, somewhat of a loose cannon, someone who doesn't think about things the same way as me really. 

We'll have to see how much I hear from him over the next few days, if anything. I hope so, but why? Because you've nobody else. Sigh. I don't want to go back to the drawing board defeated, I think we could potentially have something so good.

But, I do feel as though I've done my best. At no point do I feel like I could have done more, I've just tried to keep the same approach throughout; keep being reasonable, kind and understanding. Sure, being nice doesnt always make you come in first place, but I know he's acknowledged this before and likes it, and, it's who I am naturally. I don't want to have to be someone I'm not to get him to sit up and pay attention, I know I'm worth better than that, however I know he's someone I want to spend much more time with, considering the consequences. Maybe the consequences are already happening. It always feels as though I'm waiting for him...I could be waiting ages. 

But at least I know that if it does drain away, I've done everything I can do. I know we're on the same page, I think he likes me a lot, I do feel he would tell me if he couldn't do it anymore. I really do. So, I've just got to try and enjoy the day, the now, my family and the festivities. And see what london brings when I'm back...