It's hard to say

I’ve not been feeling so well this week. I keep thinking an infection’s coming on but the next morning I wake up and feel alright. But as the day progresses I get worse again, I wonder what it could be. Maybe it’s just the winter setting in, I’m not sure. But I feel rubbish in my body, I’d love to trade it with someone, if only for a day or two.

Things feel slow and it’s hard to say if anything’s actually progressing, maybe it’s just the general pace of work and having not seen anybody else for a while. It was nice to pop home last weekend, but sometimes I feel as though it allows for everything to catch up with me and I then end up feeling worse as I go about my normal routine. I still haven’t heard anything from the job I went to, which is disappointing. But then maybe it’s a good thing, only add more trouble probably.

 

Guys wise, well, it’s hard to say. Me and Lee have been texting on and off which has been nice, but they’re not particularly meaty messages or anything, just general, breezy ‘how’s it going?’ sort of stuff. Still, better than nothing, it’s a step up from where we were last time but still, I guess I’m still a little wounded from that and am finding it hard to commit all my emotions like I did before, for fear of being completely let down once more. I’m sure he has it in him to do that again. But then, why can’t I see the flip side of the coin and he actually has it in him to put in a bit more effort? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I’ve another distraction, this Dan guy. We’ve been messaging each other pretty much every day for the past couple of weeks and I already like him a lot. I can tell it’s not in the same way as Lee, but somehow it feels deeper routed. It’s like he’s familiar to me, and the more we talk, the more he reminds me of Joe and the things he used to like…I dreamt of him last night which was weird, I think it’s the first time I have since we broke up which is now over a year. I woke up and my body ached. My heart felt as though it was full but gradually draining away as the realisation set in. I think I will always miss him, which is sad. I wonder if he misses me too. I’m just lonely here, I don’t have many friends and I miss that companionship.

I have high hopes for Dan even though I know you should never do that. It’s hard not to when there does seem to be a bit of a connection. We’ve arranged to meet on Saturday to watch a movie and maybe some coffee before too, and I’m looking forward to it. I just hope we’ll have enough to talk about as we’ve talked lots about film, music and comedy over messages.

 

I just, really want to have this sorted now. I want a guy who I can call mine, I can devote myself to, I don’t want anymore of this faffing around, it’s making me ill and it’s upsetting. I was so good in a couple, I was good with another half. I just need to find that someone who wants to me to be theirs…