I really do feel as though I am. I’m searching for this entity, this joy, this happiness, without any real idea of what it is I really want. I meet these people but, none of them really grab me. And the ones that actually do, I am yet to make them feel the same way. And of course, it makes perfect sense, life happens and causes other people’s lives to change tracks, and changes them to different paths that causes them to leave my current phase of life. That’s what life is, passing moments, people wondering in and out, some staying, some leaving. I need to be philosophical about it, because otherwise I’ll never be able to let whatever our fleeting moment was, go. This has happened for a reason, it was meant to happen this way, to make room for someone else.
Why can’t I believe in Alex? Maybe I should write to him, tell him all of this. I mean, it’s a bit late now of course. Feelings have set in and words have been exchanged. It’s there for the taking, but there’s something holding me back. Is it fate? Is it someone up there who can see in the future and can see that the real guy for me isn’t actually far away? Or is it because I’ve had this amazing connection very recently with someone else? Maybe. It could be that we don’t really click in the way I’d like us to. He is very reserved, shy, very aware of himself and what he’s doing. He definitely feels afraid of being open and honest, perhaps a little loud at times. And if ever I am any of these things, he reacts by saying I’m weird. I don’t much care for that, however true it might be.
I’m hoping it’s a thing that will wear away after a while, but what if it doesn’t? I don’t want to mother him, don’t want to teach him everything, I want to be taught things too but I’m not sure he has it in him. I know that sounds mean…the moments we share that are deep and meaningful are lovely, but for some reason I sometimes find I’m a loss of what to say to him for fear of alienating him. It just, doesn’t seem to interest him. He doesn’t appear to want to know the more meatier subjects of my personal life, which I find surprising. But then maybe I’m too much of an open book, don’t leave him feeling like I’ve much more beneath my layers. Maybe I should tell him it all anyway, regardless.
He scares too easy…he’s a man in every other respect but, his habbits are too much for me. I mean the food thing…come on. It’s in my family, I’m facing my own battles with it, I can’t have him reminding me of it every god damn meal time!
I met another guy who works next door. He’s everso handsome, creative but also pretty vague and, without wanting to sound harsh, simple. The things he says and asks are remarkably obvious. He’s a bit childish in that respect. I hope there’s another level to him, but somehow I doubt it. We met for a disastrous lunch break and he told me he has a year old son. First time I’ve ever kissed a dad! Interesting. It didn’t put me off exactly, but I don’t think I’m ready to get involved with anything that heavy going, I’m not sure I want to invest much more time in him.
I’m still on that website but maybe I should delete it. I’m not really getting anywhere with it. I’m meeting plenty of people, a variety of different guys each promising in their own ways but, I’m not committing to it like I should. I’m not committing to anything like I should. Work, life, gym, healthy eating, friends, family…I’m just flitting about everywhere. I’ve got to sort it out. I was so good settled…
No comments:
Post a Comment