Hit by the lull of depression

Something happened to me today, I don't know what exactly, but a wave of depression hit me and has left me reeling. Alex was on the sofa asleep behind my head as I battled holding back the tears welling up in my eyes, and still am now. I just feel all this bottled up sadness is full right to the absolute brim and is just moments away from over spilling, gushing from my eyes. All I want to do is collapse in a shaking heap on the floor, curl up right and suffocate under the weight of myself and drift off into another life, escape the mess of my mind. 

I just feel bitterly remenisant and alone. I miss joe so, so much. I've been fighting the urge to phone him, I don't know what for, I'd have nothing of value to say, but just to hear his voice. I just want to be with him so much, and I don't know in what sense I mean that, but I just want to be near him, in his presence, to laugh and smile like we did before. I just long for that closeness, where I don't even need to think about the way I am around them, just simply be. 

I have had a nice couple of days with Alex, it was an impromptu visit to see him which I really shouldn't have done because I can't afford it at all. But I just missed the company, as lame and stupid and awful as that sounds. Reading this back I will know that I truly deserve the sadness I feel that is so deep rooted at the moment. It's the time of year, the friends getting married and pregnant, the constant happiness shoved down my throat. I want it all so much but I just don't know when it'll happen to me. In my current situation, work the way it is, no friends, how can I find this guy? 

This was a post I wrote earlier in my silent desperation;

'

Hi there, 

I really do hope that this won't be too long or sound too complicated, but any advice would be much appreciated right now because I'm feeling everso down. 

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up a little over a year ago now, and we were together for nearly five years. Really, on reflection, it was a wonderful relationship. We met whilst at uni and just hit it off right away and continued to live out of each other's pockets and be basically best friends until graduation and then moved into our own place together. We never argued, got on so, so well and I always felt as though we were both on the same page, but I had started to feel as though we had become too much like friends bedroom wise. We both got new jobs which wore us both down, eventually things got to me and instead of talking about it, I just broke it off. His feelings were always so easy to hurt, he never wanted to bring issues to the table, he just kinda shut down which made it hard for me to bring things up. It was awful, one of those worst times of my life. I realise it was also one of the most stupid things I've ever done. 

I moved out and amazingly, we continued to stay friends and even started to see each other again after a few months. But, when it came to being intimate, I just didn't want to. I find him so attractive and I can't understand why I don't want to be intimate. So I avoided talking about it but it was making me feel terribly guilty inside. In our earlier days the sex was great and he was never bad at it, we just slipped into our habits and he didn't want to change them. The last time we spoke, we had a couple of drinks, he wanted to go back to my place but I resisted and mentioned that I thought the spark might have gone. He got very upset, left the table and walked away. I tried to talk to him about it but he was having none of it, of course I understand it's hard to hear and I really, deeply upset him by saying this. I decided to leave him be, we had no contact for weeks and then I saw he'd deleted me off facebook, maybe even blocked my number, it just feels as though that's it. That was four months ago now. 

I miss him so, so much. Like nothing I've ever felt before. I am not coping well at all. I'm trying to move on and I know I've got to let him move on too, but I just feel that we were meant to be together and that I'll never find anyone like him ever again. Words can't describe it. It kills me to think that he never wants to see me again. 

I keep dreaming about him, thinking about him, I just want to call him, to talk to him but I'm scared he'll tell me where to stick it, which maybe I deserve! I probably do. It's just an overpowering urge, the need to speak to him, but should I do it? Should I write to him maybe? I'd love to have the chance to work on our relationship again and the spark I think we lost I think we can get back. But, I just know I've hurt his pride, I doubt he'd ever take me back again. 

I just feel at a real dead end....'

And all the answers were telling me the same things. To leave him alone to move on, and let myself move on to. Because quite honestly, I am still not over the relationship...

[–]Thomas_Becket 5 points 2 hours ago 

Leave him the fuck alone! He got sick of the games you were playing with him, now he wants to move on with his life. Let him. You should move on too.

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[–]I_FUCK_UP_RECIPES 4 points 2 hours ago 

He is trying to move on, yes. Please let him. Let yourself. It seems like you don't actually miss the full relationship--which includes the sex, the intimacy, everything--but only certain parts of it, which he isn't going to give without also expecting something back.

No one is 'meant for one another.' You had your time together and hopefully learned valuable lessons from it (communicate your needs). You learned what you love in a partner, and can seek other men who have the traits of his that you valued most.

There's no sense being hung up on him. You wanted out, and apparently not due to the 'grass is greener' syndrome that so many foolish young people have, but because you were genuinely unsatisfied in the relationship. Look back fondly sometimes, but focus on moving forward.

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[–]TXSC 2 points 2 hours ago 

Yes, you hurt his feelings. He did the right thing by going NC so that he could get over you. You may still have a chance but you will need to talk to him in person and explain to him what you told us. He may have someone new now, or he may be starting to get over you. So, prepare for a letdown. But, there is a chance that he still loves you and wants you back and that he is not in a relationship now. All you can do is try.

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[–]mashuto 1 point 2 hours ago 

I miss him so, so much.

Why? You spent the whole post talking about things he failed to do (open up about his emotions) and about how you just werent feeling it at all, even when you tried to get back together. You talk about him like you know its wrong, so why do you miss him?

So, what do you truly miss? I bet it isn't actually him.

Leave him be. From the sounds of it, he feels like you strung him along (and rightly so) and got to the point where he is done. And often to move on, people really need space.

So, let him go, let him move on, and more importantly, let yourself move on.

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[–]TheIronMark 1 point an hour ago 

Stop toying with this guy and let him go. He's moving on; you need to, as well.

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[–]dengitsjon 1 point an hour ago 

A year ago? Really? Give up. You're just turning into the clingy ex-girlfriend. No one wants that, so stop. Chances of you guys getting back together are practically 0.

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[–]afterforever89 1 point an hour ago 

I suggest you let this one go. It really feels as if the relationship has had its course here.

I also suggest you work on expressing your feelings instead of avoiding talking about them. Communicating properly is vital in any healthy relationship. There are many things we know we should talk about but we don't. It's still pretty important that we talk about it anyway.

Good luck.

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[–]putsch80 1 point an hour ago 

If you talk to him, make sure you know what you want and what you are willing to accept from him. If you aren't wanting to have sexual intimacy with him, then this is already dead in the water. Also, re-read my last sentence: notice it says "wanting to" have sex, and not just "willing to." The difference there is huge, so you better figure in out what you want before you bother to talk with him.

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I think these were all good responses, and were all advising the same things. And reading through them, and speaking to my dear brother too has actually made me feel a lot better. Well, it made the tears subside. The 'why exactly?' Stuck with me, because it makes sense, maybe I miss the closeness with someone more than him, although I know I always will miss him as a person. 

Everyone keeps telling me that I will find someone else but I just don't feel that dispite all the effort I put in, I'm not having the best of luck. 

Okay. 

I'm at the station waiting for the next train to London after Alex dropped me off. I must have looked sad because a lovely chap gave me a large tea eventhough I paid for a small, with two bags and everything. It has helped bring a smile to my face. Just, wish I knew what I was doing. Everyone keeps asking me what it is I want but my answer never changes; I just don't know. 

I've spent the weekend with Alex and im seeing Lee tomorrow...it just, doesn't make any sense. At the moment, I don't know what to think about the whole thing. On the way down here, I really wanted to know when I could see him next, so I sent him a text and then tried to hide it at the bottom of my bag, knowing I'd be checking it every moment if I didn't. A little later he did reply. He has been getting better at texting there is no denying that. 'Yeah but, if someone really wants to message you they'll just message you' my housemate bluntly put it to me, I guess she is right, I mean I always make the effort to when I want to, no matter how busy I am. But I don't know if that's entirely fair. 

Clearly, I'm just very confused. I just want someone who wants me, and wants to take me away from all this noise and chaos. Make me his, embark on an exciting future together. But then, I don't know. I should read my last entry back and see if it can lift my spirits because it was so darn positive, why can't I stay that way? These things do take time, maybe if me and lee see each other for another month or two then I might progress into a relationship...

Things with me and Alex in his mind seem to be moving forward, but without saying anything. It just, baffles me. But it was kinda cute, he invited me up north to meet his parents, maybe go on a little campervan holiday. It caught me off guard a bit, but I did agree but this was before I started to feel low. He's just so awkward, he moans about everything because he can't think of anything else to say, he's weird about food, keeps making stupid jokes about being fat, he's got the sense of humour in him but we just don't share same interests when it comes to films. He also bangs on about money too, although it could probably teach me a thing or two. But, it seems as though he's willing to make the step, wants to take things futher. I should go for it really, but I keep waiting on Lee...im being so unfair. 

Well, I know it's best that I really don't hold my breath with lee because it's likely he's not looking for the same thing. And that's ok, he's allowed to be in that place. Really, I need to get home, get some sleep and power through the working day tomorrow and see how I feel in the evening when I see him. Just see how it all goes, it's the best way to be really. Just sleep, fall into dreams and hopefully awake refreshed and happier...