I keep telling myself this and my inner self always replies with a confident 'yes' but why can't I project that thought without even asking?
I awoke this morning feeling ok. Not great, but not sad either. I guess I feel a little embarrassed to admit that I'm lost and confused, it's easy to feel flustered and upset without a career on track or a relationship. I'm well and truly on my own with all of these things and this is the first time I've undertook this on my own before, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm a bit daunted by it all. I guess I just see the things I want to see on the busy crowded streets, in couples smiling eyes, friends in their lil status's on facebook which I try to avoid looking at. I see these things where really, there's a lot more beneath the surface. Nothing is what it really seems.
I guess I feel as though my time is running out in a weird sort of way, but I know that's a stupid thing to think. Of course it's not. Well, sure with every day that goes by I get older and closer to death, but everyone is doing this. I know that one day I'll look back on these days with a fond smile and a little regretful that ive wished so much of it away. I just want to be ten years ahead, hopefully married and settled. Somehow I feel this will give me the happiness I seek but I don't know that of course. But I know it'll come to me in time, I know it will. I just know it, in every ounce of my being. It will all fall into place at the right time because these things always do. It's just I don't know when that 'right time' is and im impatient, I want someone to tell me when it is!
The thing is, I really must take the positives out of this because it's too easy to dwell on the negatives and get caught up in a nasty little cycle. From one moment in my mind I think 'right, that's it, cut them all out' and then the next I think about meeting up with lee and telling him how if he'd be willing, to make a proper go of it. Put myself out there, knowing full well the repercussions. That he might tell me how he's not in that place etc etc. To be honest, I think I already know this. He has a lot to sort out in his life, a lot of inner battles he needs to sort, would I really want to take them on? I think I summed it up rather well a couple of entries ago, I mean, would I really be happy? I don't want to force it. But then, I also don't want to wait for too much time to go by with neither of us saying anything and then it being a bit odd to propose the idea. I don't know. Every case is different isn't it. Who knows, maybe if I do see him again I'll put the idea out there if it feels like the good moment for it. I might be surprised, he's surprised me before.
But, phoebe, aren't you just getting confused? Thinking you like him a lot and it would be a great relationship and all this when really, he's just the guy you like the most out of what's on offer? Bluntly put. But, is something better out there? Maybe!
I don't know, he's on my mind so much. Well, I've just got to do what I always do. Play the whole dang situation by ear, see what he says, if anything, see if we do meet and how it is when we do. I know he appreciates this, I know he knows that I'm always so reasonable and I think it's working for the better but it's a slow process. Maybe I should wait until the new year. But what's the rush? I don't know. I guess I want him to want me the same amount and im not sure I cross his mind as much as drugs, cigarettes and work...when I put it like that, come on. What would the parentals say!? They'd be like, that's crap phoebe. You need someone more stable and reliable and not such a flippin headcase. It's early days and I'm already feeling like this?? It's rather telling don't you think...hmmm. It is. He's got a lot to prove to me really. But these things take time, I'm ok with that.
What I should do, is divert all this energy wasted on fucking idiot guys into career direction. Sort that out. I know that when I feel happier and more stable in that respect, it really will reflect in my personality. Im still young, but I am mature and I know what I deserve. I want a man who wants the same things as me and I truly do believe he's out there.
'It could be that you both re kindle things down the line...it might take him finding someone else and trying that for a while to realise what you both had and the mistakes he made' dad puts out there. I do wonder this too. But I mustn't obsess over it. I've accepted that I will always love him, I will always miss him, I had that amazing time with the lows that went with it and now im just carrying on through life. I think of my mum, my dad, rick, teachers, friends, who've all met the loves of their lives a little later down the line...really, it's all just happens when it does, ive got to start seeing that. I've got to start believing it.
'Good things come to those who wait' I always tell myself, now I need to do the waiting part.
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