Got to let it go. One day at a time.

So yesterday I got home, the light blew, I threw my stuff on the floor and then collapsed on a stupid heap on the floor. It was there I looked out of my window and realised how daft I must have appeared. How, I can't be getting so worked up and upset and this stage. It's pathetic. When did I ever become so lame? 

It dawned on me that there were much, much worse things going on in the world that night. That, there was no way I was going to put up with this shit anymore. It was time to let it all out on the last ever occasion. It actually felt so good. These deep sobs that came from within, my stomach tightening with every breath. I realised I wasn't crying for lee. It was all the let downs of the year that had built up in an awful, potent concoction. It was the bitter loneliness, it was for the best friend that I missed and knew I would forever miss. It was ultimately for the phoebe I dearly missed, the old me who was always the first to get things together, organise gatherings, paint the town red, phone always going, in check with social media, all that crap ive let drift away. It's not important but it's a way to keep everyone in the know even if i don't want them knowing. This year ive become secretive, manipulative, lonely and confused. It has been one of the worst ever years, I can't have it ever again. It'll kill me. 

I guess it's all because over the past couple of days ive just been investing all my thoughts into him, researching, creating, I mean, for what? It's not like any promises were made or anything. I've just latched onto the idea, like I always do. I knew it was silly at the time, I can't take anything to heart unless something has been agreed, like a true relationship of sorts. He wants to wait until we come back from Christmas, and speaking of promises, he made one. I do think it was a genuine reason, I really do. It just didn't stop it from hurting a lil bit. I wondered if he might have been a bit embarrassed that he hasn't got me anything, so maybe he wanted to correct it. I started to worry that a handmade dorky card wasn't really going to entirely cut it, so I bought a bottle of maple whisky online that will hopefully come in time. And hey, if we never see each other again at least I know I'll enjoy it!