So I texted;
'Hey! So, I know you've been busy with work and everything, but it would still have been nice to have heard something from you. Normally I'd just leave it but I really want that ring back, it doesn't have to take much time, ten mins tops. Let me know a day when I can meet you somewhere and pick it up'
And got the following reply about 5 mins afterwards;
'I'm so sorry. I've been an awful human being. I know. I'm free tomorrow night if you want to hang out. If you don't and just want the rings thats fine. I'm sorry i was going to text you earlier. Xx'
I realised that this was probably the most successful textual exchange we'd ever had. Me cranking up the pissed off factor got the results at last.
So, in an almost reluctant way, I agreed to meet up with him on the Friday evening. I suggested 7.30, he suggested 6. He was extremely apologetic and I was extremely understanding. That evening he left it on a 'looking forward to seeing you' and I didn't reply. The following morning he texted me about his day and asked how I was, i acknowledged the effort. I actually felt surprisingly indifferent about seeing him, didn't know if I should be a lil more icey than my usual chilled out self. But true enough, he arrived at 6.30 on the dot after his prewarning text and he kisses me on the lips and gave me that cheeky lil grin Ive grown to know well.
Of course I forgave him in that instant, but I wanted to know what he had to say. Because really, I know exactly what had happened because we're so similar. I know his situation, know what he's like, know his game.
He took my hand and babbled excitedly like a child down the street, his breath caught on the cold winter air. We went to the shops, bought alcohol and went back to my place, like we usually do. We were back to our lil routine. He collapsed on my bed, arranged the pillows as though he's own and poured us drinks.
He went on to talk about work and how crazy it had all been recently and how it's set to continue. How his holiday has to be bought out to carry on working, how he's working 6 days next week and how it's all batshit crazy. I listen.
There's a pause and he looks at me and tells me how sorry he was about being an idiot, for the not texting back, knowing where he'd gone wrong and thanked me for the shake up text. He said he needed it, but it didn't make it acceptable. I agreed and said that no, it wasn't. That I didn't know what was going on, and how although I'm glad he replied and made the effort to text after, I wasn't going to do it again. He nodded and frowned, said that it wouldn't happen again and that I wasn't the only one he was apologising to but his friends and family also. He cutely added that I was the one he wanted to see the most...
So, that was a pleasant surprise really. I knew he'd say sorry if we did meet so he'd get a free shag, but he didn't have to say all of that. He went on to talk about his life coach, making lists of things he wants to do before he's 30, plans for next year, going back on medication for his depression. It makes perfect sense, I understand it all completely. Being around depressive types before, my mum and probably my own inner battles, I mean he basically is a lot like me. I just wonder if it is all sincere.
We ended up having wild sex, smoking roll ups on my balcony and getting the tube to his to smoke weed and order pizza. We talked about our ambitions for 2015, and I realise he's got his all figured out. I haven't at all.
We slept and awoke in the morning in our usual fashion, for the first time ever at his I slept really well and awoke in a great mood. We joked and talked lots, he made me tea and I eventually left to venture home. He said he wanted to see me next week, cook something for me, which was nice of him to suggest. But I'm not going to get my hopes up, it is up to him now to convince me that it won't happen again and if it does, well I'm not going to get too upset about it. I have already before.
I left his feeling something I haven't felt in ages. Control. I am finally back in control. I got on the tube and felt as though the world was my oyster!
I'm now waiting for a train back home to dads, spend the day with him tomorrow and rick on Monday as its his birthday. A dad related weekend! I'm looking forward to it.
I dunno, maybe it's someone else I met on that website. God, I make myself laugh. How many entries have I started with that recently! It's a joke. But, it keeps me entertained and gives me hope.
For the first time ever I wrote the first message to a guy. I saw his picture and it looked familiar and friendly. I read his profile and couldn't believe how much we shared in common, music, art, film, just general personalities and internets.
I thought that it would be typical if he didn't reply, but an hour later he did! Something inside me burned bright, I felt so excited and just felt that straight away I wanted to meet him and be in his company. So keen and eager, always. It's terrible. I wish I was better and keeping it cool.
So we've been exchanging long messages to each other, and in my last I suggested the idea of maybe watching a film together. I've wanted to see it for ages but haven't been able to, or, had anyone to go and see it with. So, maybe it's a bit forward of me and ive surprised myself with it. But there's something about it that feels like it's worth a shot. Then, I think it'll be the last time. I've too many flies in my ointment, too many people met and gret and it's only going to make things more awkward and confusing.
There's Dan, Alex, Lee and now another Dan! That's far too many, it's awful really.
Ah, Alex. What am I going to go about you? I guess the distance makes things a lil easier but ah, I don't know. He does make me smile and he's so sweet and thoughful but, we don't talk like me and lee do, or me and anyone really. For some reason he makes me hold back on so many things, but why? What am I scared of? Him making me feel stupid and calling me weird, that's what. Urgh. You can't force someone to be that way though, you either like talking about all that stuff or you don't. He doesn't.
So, I guess I'm just going to carry on coasting and try and keep a low profile. I'm going to stop inviting new people into my life now and concentrate on those already in it. Think more about work, my career and finances. All things that have taken a backseat in my life as of late.
Seeing dad and talking about all of this will be good, he always helps put things into perspective for me and give me support which I don't really have from much else at the moment...
One thing I did realise when I was in lee's company, was how much of a handful he is. Again, with his ADHD and weed smoking and depression, it makes him a real headcase. I realise he must genuinely like spending time with me because of my calming lifestyle. Well, in comparison to his. I sat and looked at him and realised I did really like him a lot, but he's got so much that he needs to sort out himself. He's got a lot going on and I realise he's not at all in the right place for a full blown relationship, and although I doubt if I am too, I don't think being with him in the way id like, would actually be that fun. Yeah, the sex would be great n all and I love how we can chat about everything, but he's so damn erratic and touch and go, and dependant on so many things I just bet I'd always have to be chasing after him the whole time. Much like now! I mean, I deserve more than that. But, I can't blame him for his honesty and I'm pretty sure he'd tell me if he wanted to call it quits because he has many times before, apparently. I do believe him, especially when ive given him easy ways out. He even said 'I haven't kissed anyone else since our first date' which was unprovoked and I realised that for him that was a real achievement. I smiled and didn't reply because I can't say the same for me which is shameful. But then, I'm not going to wait around for him for weeks, come on. Maybe he knew already.
If you're a good listener people tend to not ask you many questions which can be annoying but at times like this im glad. Because if he asked outright I would tell him anything. I have told him all sorts of things that I never thought I'd tell anyone, all truthful. So, well, what can you do.
We'll just have to wait and see...
No comments:
Post a Comment