Everything is temporary

Me [24 F] have been dating this great guy [27 M] For three months. How do I bring up the dreaded 'where is this going' talk?

hi there, thanks for stopping by! I'll try my best to keep this as brief as I can!
For the past three months I've been dating this fantastic guy and things are going well. I feel I should say that I'm a bit out of practice with this 'dating' malarkey, because I've always been in a relationship pretty much right away in the past so this is all rather new to me. I've spending a lot of time feeling a bit on edge, because I don't want to do anything or say anything to him to scare him away! We meet up pretty much once a week, we've both got pretty busy work schedules. I like to keep in contact throughout the week although he doesn't as much, always been like that and seems to be the way he is with everyone. We have amazing times together and have really hit it off so well, gosh I like him so much! But, I am being cool about it!
Basically, it's getting to the point where I want to know if he sees me in the same way that I see him. We've talked about it here and there, but I'm just too chicken to say 'I don't want to muck around anymore, I want to be in a relationship with you' I guess I really want him to say it to me. I don't think he's sleeping around or anything, he's just very busy with work commitments and has a lot going on. I'm worried he'll say he's not in the place for a relationship, but I am worried if I don't ask it'll just roll on and on and eventually fizzle out... how should I go about this, if at all?
Coincidently, we both came out of long term relationships of the same length at similar times (about a year and a half ago) so I know he doesn't want to rush anything, but could you call it 'rushing' after three months?
tl;dr: Been seeing this great guy for about three months and feel it's going really well. I want to take things further and be in an official relationship but am frightened of scaring him off or making myself look an idiot...


[–]TheGreatAvocado 12 points 12 hours ago
What it comes down to is that you've just got to get the courage to bring it up. Three months is a socially acceptable time to have "the talk" no matter who you're dating, and if he runs off, then it's better that you start fresh anyway because it probably wasn't going anywhere.
Here's a script if you need it:
Hey, manfriend, I've really enjoyed spending time with you and I want to talk to you about becoming exclusive. I think we get along and have a lot of fun together, and I'd like to know if you're on board with that. What do you think?
Then you just have to respond appropriately to his answer. Be prepared to hear the answer you don't want to hear, but you won't get an answer unless you or he brings it up.
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[–]flairion[S] 1 point 12 hours ago
Thank you very much for your reply, I guess now I've just got to strike up the courage! I keep putting it off though, like even now I'm thinking to myself 'ah, make it one of your New Years resolutions!' But that's probably not the best attitude...
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[–]TheGreatAvocado 4 points 12 hours ago
After reading the other responses, I want to be clear that "Where is this going?" is probably a really bad way to frame the conversation. I think it's APPROPRIATE to ask for exclusivity at 3 months, but considering both of your recent breakups, "Where is this going?" can lead to him thinking all kinds of crazy nonsense. Be clear about what you actually want at this stage. Exclusivity is reasonable. Even asking to be called boyfriend and girlfriend is REASONABLE, but maybe not the best idea in your situation.
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[–]slowlauris 4 points 12 hours ago
I think you should frame this in a way that he knows that you really like him and you want to be exclusive as a couple.
This is pretty reasonable. additional labels might be uncomfortable for both of you, right now.
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[–]Zerricks 4 points 12 hours ago
Just a tip: I recommend avoiding the phrase "where is this going?". I think that's hard for anyone to answer and it can send up red flags to some guys. Like other have suggested a talk about being exclusive sounds like a good idea.
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[–]Onetruekingofsnow 1 point 12 hours ago
My boyfriend and I started a relationship after about 3 months too. Some people just need more time than others.
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[–]foundinwonderland 1 point 9 hours ago
I don't want to muck around anymore, I want to be in a relationship with you
That right there. Say that. Maybe slightly less aggressively ("I really like you and enjoy spending time with you. I'd like to be in a relationship with you. What do you think?"). You lose 100% of shots you don't take. He'll either feel the same or he won't. If he doesn't, you can either walk away or continue casually dating. Any way it goes, it won't be the end of the world.
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[–]littleorangemonkeys 1 point 5 hours ago
You want to find out what he thinks without scaring him away. So you say "I really like spending time with you, and I am getting to the point where I think I am ready for a relationship. I want to know how you feel and if you are there too, or if you need more time." This way you've already given him a choice so he doesn't feel trapped or pressured, but the options are "now" or "later" not "now" or "never". It's super scary, but ask yourself, do you want this to drag on for another six months only to find out that he's been seeing other people because you never had this talk? If he's scared away by you bringing up this topic, then he's not feeling this relationship as much as you are, and it's better to find that out before you invest any more time in it. A true man will respect the fact that you are mature and honest enough to have hard conversations, even if he doesn't feel the same way.
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[–]returnofthegangsta 0 points 12 hours ago
3 months? if some girl asked me "where is this going?" after 3 months, i'd respond "nowhere", turn around, and leave.
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[–]John_handcock 0 points 12 hours ago
I upvoted you. Honestly your asking this after three months OP. Sorry but don't expect much. If I was dating a girl I liked I would've asked her to be my girlfriend way before that. Chances he likes were things are, just...casual.



So I decided to reach out again to the anonomous community and see if I could shed a little light on one of the other areas of my life. Reading it back over, it does feel rather helpful actually. Although of course the answer's towards the bottom of the page kinda made my insides pang a bit. But then, everyone is different. I feel like i've been saying this all the time, but it is true. What might freak one guy out, another guy would enjoy the fact that the concept alone was brought to the table. I don't think Lee would react in a negative way, I think he'd be very honest. It must be crossing his mind too. I really am battling this inner argument, one keeps yanking at me to go ahead and ask him, lay it on the line, stop investing all this time, effort, emotion into something potentially not going anywhere. The other is like 'sit back and ride it out.' Because let's weight it up, who is in a more stable place? Well, on paper anyway. It would be me, I reckon. It's easy for me to adapt to these little changes whereas someone with Bipolar disorder will need some time to adjust. Three months, maybe even more. I believe it's an illness that is worthy of patience, I mean, look at me and mum. The thing is, I don't think he forgets. I don't think he flits about and has lots of other pots boiling, I just think he's so encompassed by work, his housemates, writing, giving up his vices...little steps are big achievements. And I should take that same mentality. He was the first to message me on Whatsapp, we talked a bit on there. You asked him out to the cinema, I knew he'd be busy but I thought 'why not?' he did go ahead and tell me that he was indeed busy, but were they showing the film in the week?

This festive time of year...goddamn.
I made the mistake of watching about three romantic Christmas comedies in a row yesterday why trying to cobble together star wars inspired snowflakes. It just made my heart sink, this time last year I was with Joe and he spent his Christmas day with me and my crazy family. It was really fun, it was a lovely day. But it was all so complicated and such a blur, god, last year, what a fucking year it was. Absolutely awful in places. But, the end of the year things are on the curb in the right direction. New house, better housemates, better job, fitness routine (ha!) and have met some pretty amazing people, Olive, Alex, Lee...is it really all that bad?

Sometimes, I think about killing myself. Not that I'll actually go ahead and do it, but I just think about the whole thing, how would it impact those around me? Life is a joy, it is a beautiful thing. Everything is temporary. Think back over the awful times, craning my head outside the window with tears streaming down my face, desberately trying to get signal to call my dad to confide all my worries and woes. That freezing cold room in Brixton, the terribly long drawn out days in Harrods, that terrible place of grandeur. I'm not in that situation now. I should try and think the same about my current relationship situation to, shouldn't I. Because, it may not be quite what I want right now, but that doesn't mean it always will be that way in the future, in fact I'm very sure it won't be. 2015 will be the year!
I shouldn't apply so much pressure. I certainly know I shouldn't continue to fantasise about killing myself. But I think it's a very human thing to do. We're faced with death every day, we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.
I ONLY HAVE THE NOW.

*

Had a lovely phone conversation with an old friend, Robyn, I love her dearly. It has cheered me up lots because I'm going to go and see her and some of her uni friends for New Years eve. I was worried it might pan out to be an evening in front of the TV watching Joles Holland feeling a bit sorry for myself. Ah, that will give me something to look forward to.
I guess that's what I really miss, having my close friends around me to share and confide in because, here I only really have these guys to distract me. And work, which isn't exactly a busy, bustling environment. I think it'll be good for me to try and spend more time with friends than lovers. I need to try and keep myself busy all the time!