I've been feeling very up and down over the past couple of days, feeling overwhelming urges to call people I shouldn't, meet with people I shouldn't, go to places I shouldn't...I've just been so out of sorts, and during such a lovely time of year which is meant to be savoured and enjoyed. I feel so down for having had my head full of daft rubbish instead of making the most of being with my family.
It is a difficult time of year and it always fills me with a bit of apprehension. But more so this time as I don't really have anyone to share all this with. Whether for the better or the worse, Christmas makes you reflect and compare to previous years and this year it filled me with reflection of how awful I've felt during periods of 2014, made me think about how things should be much better but really, I'm not sure if they really are and I'm pretty ashamed in a way because I'm usually pretty quick to bounce back.
I moped about, my dreams were filled with joe and I longed to speak with him, write him a detailed letter trying to put everything right again. Lee fell out of the frame magically, all I focused on was what I had lost. It dawned on me quickly that of course this was not at all possible, think back to all the advise that everyone has given; the strangers, the best friends, the loved ones. I owe it to him to leave him be. Maybe he's moved on, perhaps got a new girlfriend. Would you actually want him to feel he had to tell you that? It would be like an unneeded knife pierced into my already fragile body. It would be very undignified.
So, I opted for distractions. My inbox was full from that dating site I meant to delete but have succeeded in partially ignoring, and It occurred to me that I wasn't the only one who felt lonely during this time. So, I succumbed to whoever seemed chatty and friendly and have soon found myself intrigued by an elusive yet rather intense individual. I haven't met anyone quite like him before to be honest and it is refreshing yet also a lil on the cusp of being influencing but annoying. I am yet to be able to pinpoint exactly. Definitely not far from Russell brand at this point.
He says he's a comedian, he lives all over the place, seems a lil disconnected with work and perhaps his age, I'm guessing a bit older than it says in his profile (28) and possibly on a similar scale to lee in his mania and random outbursts, constant chatting but emotions that run deep. We chatted online, and at the end of the eve he asked to hear my voice and we soon exchanged numbers. I don't know why I did so quickly, just got that vibe off him. Probably another nutter, but at least he was chatty and interesting, I thought whatever the outcome I'll have experiened someone a lil bit different. That really is something I've got to hand to that site, the real range of people you get the opportunity to meet where in everyday life they'd likely not take a second look.
We spoke for a good two hours, he rambled on excitedly and I gladly listened. He tends to go on into detailed stories about all sorts of things I don't know much about at all, he then pauses to ask me questions. I like that he's not afraid to ask questions, I realise that he's the first person in a long time to have done that. He actually finds me interesting and intriguing, which is very flattering. We also spoke last night to for three hours this time, deep and meaningful conversations. Covering all bases, jobs, past relationships, what turns each other on, which was interesting! I don't know really. He is very full in but I know he is caring and has a lot of love to give. I'm not sure if I'm the one he'll give it to, but maybe we'll just end up being good friends. We've arranged to meet tomorrow when I'm on my way back to London, I don't know how I feel about it really. I guess I'm looking forward to meeting someone different but I don't want him to get too carried away or put me in an awkward position. At least I know that I've got to go home eventually and I can't have sex because my body isn't actually able to right now, which may in fact be a blessing. Well, certainly no life changing babies anyway!
So, we'll have to see what happens there. I think I'll be seeing lee on Tuesday, I'm not going to think about it at all but I reckon I won't be able to not when at work on my own...I'm not looking forward to that at all. He might cancel again, then I'll have to just leave it for sure. For sure. Think about how upset you were before going home.
These last few days of the year are the last I'm going to act like an irresponsible adolescent and fucking pull my finger out and get on with a more simple life. I don't mean simple as in boring, no sir. But something tangible and real. That is my ultimate resolution and I will battle for it every minuet of every single day.
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