Caving in, giving in, giving up

Christmas Day was over as quick as it came, which is usually the way. It was lovely, lots of food and merriment was had which is always a pleasure. It was nice to be with the family, plenty going on, lots being said, wrapping paper everywhere. I feel as though I've been very lucky. 

Last night, something in me snapped and texted joe. I carefully wished him and his family a merry Christmas and a lovely new year too. I wasn't expecting a reply which is was dreading as well but a couple of hours later he did send a reply. 'Merry Christmas phoebe, to you and yours. Hope everything all well and good with you to x' it made me smile that he put a lil kiss at the end. Sigh. I couldn't sleep after that, my mind was wiring something fierce. Just made me feel happy and sad all at the same time. So lost I am, so all over the place, just need need a man, someone, anyone, to tame me...

Is it joe? Has it been him all along? Would he ever give me another chance? Probably not to be fair. And rightly so, too. I made the mistake of trying to call him though, where it rang and went to voicemail. So I left it. I should probably just forever leave it. Don't want to ruin his family time, or his time at all. That reply wasn't an invitation back into his life, if anything he was just being polite. I need to stop throwing myself at everything that comes along. Some things are ok to be left alone untouched. Bit of a disaster. 

Lee messaged me, wishing me a good one, going on about how wasted he got the night before. I didn't feel anything when I read it, a bit displeased really. Bit, childish? I don't know. See, as soon as someone else comes along to distract me, once a hot topic is now yesterday's news. What the fuck, just, keep me going at all times!? Stupid girl. 

My brother got me some wonderful presents, including some little worry people, which I thought was so lovely and thoughtful, I used to have some when I was younger and they crossed my mind the other day when I wondered where they are. I think I'll use them tonight...

Sleep for me now before I become cold and paranoid...I hope I get better soon...