You can be so cruel

Drinking alone, waiting to meet olive and also collect a few bits and pieces that I left at his many months ago. He wanted to turn it into dinner too, and although im pretty sure it'll end up being a silly idea and potentially awkward, it would be nice to catch up on things and who knows, maybe we could actually be friends. He's a great guy, and a great guy to know in general who helped me so much in the past. A little dinner can't hurt, surely? 

It'll keep me busy, because at home I find my own surroundings a bit appresive at the moment and without anyone really there to talk to, it was always Alex who was there and im again faced with having to think about my recent decisions. 

I've been walking around with his letter in my bag, now stamped, it's ready to go. But I've still kept hold of it. In reality, would good would it do? It would give him hope, where there maybe isn't any. There is a lot of risk with lee at the moment, what with this looming promotion that I've no doubt will come about for him. We're just playing it cool at the moment and that's ok, but I know it'll get to a point where it'll be make or break and I dearly hope it's make but, who knows. Who knows. 

So now, it's waiting and trying to enjoy it I guess. And the thing is, it's not fair for me to enjoy time with him uncertain as to where things are going but lead Alex on at the same time in case things do fizzle out with me and lee. Imagine being the backup option, would feel horrible and he doesn't deserve that. No, Sunday night I made me choice and thoroughly enjoyed myself, I've done it before but can't have my cake and eat it again. It's time to start living in a mature and sensible way, however tempting it might seem. 

I'm glad that's it's difficult for me to drink on my own. It takes me ages to get through a glass, I need a social environment or the potential awkward one to fule the thoughtless lift to the lips. 

Christmas decorations line the counter tops, groups crowd around sticky tables, some old friends, some strangers, some dates where one seems to be more interested in their tiny phone screens. I do like london a lot, but where will I end up? I think I kinda like my current job but like everything with me, as soon as something exciting comes along I find my enthusiasm dwindles and im holding out hope for something that might not actually come about my way.

We'll have to see how things pan out. See if they want to take a chance with me. I just dearly want to get settled somewhere, a newer company would be great, so I could grow with them and maybe even progress up their tiers. It hasn't been an opportunity for me before and it sounds so comforting and desirable.

I have it in my mind that if that all settles down a bit then everything else will follow. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. Probably. Oh, have I made the right choice?? Sigh. This will be on my mind for some time I reckon...