Why do I care so much?

Waiting at the station, the air is cool, I'm dressed in layers, armed with a pot plant mum gave me, it's making me feel a lil bit silly but the house could certainly use a bit of greenery. 

I feel...empty actually. But why? I don't really know. 

I just feel sad and I'm confused as to why this is. Maybe it's a bit of guilt. I'm on my way back from a trip home to see the family for my brothers birthday, I was looking forward to it but knew the dynamic could have been a bit different what with his ladyfriend being there too.

I don't know why, but I just don't really like her that much. Maybe it's because I know her bad sides because ed has told me all about them, I've seen him at his worst because of her childish ways, and it's hard to forget them when I see her being all smiley and friendly, bless her, really trying to fit in with my difficult family! I mean, I do respect her for that. I worry that I might feel this with all his girlfriends, as if none of them will ever be good enough for him, over protective and all that. I might be feeling odd because he wasn't very well either, which can make the atmosphere a bit different. 

Or, I've time to let the past couple of days catch up with me, I hate allowing that to happen. I go ahead saying yes to everything, going to all sorts of things, staying up late, getting carried away and then I finally stop. Sigh. I just feel so lost. Still. Eventhough things appear to be panning out alright. Maybe it's because home reminds me of joe and how I really miss him a lot. He fitted in so well with everyone at home and I wonder if I'll ever have that with anyone ever again. I think about lee and im dissapointed at how quickly ive fallen for him, I'm embarrassed at talking about yet another guy to mum and her eyes sort of roll at the realisation that it's something she's heard all before. She's probably right. Why do I care so much, so quickly? Why can't I forget and be super casual about everything all the time?