It's been an emotional couple of days truth be told. I've been up and down, even went and bought a pack of cigerettes completely out of character in aid to help things click back into place...smoked one,badly,ended up making me feel sick. Binned the rest. Waste.
I've just felt like a bit of a wreck, without anything to cling onto, and everso worried that the person that maybe I should be,I've just pushed away entirely.
I felt as though I wasted the weekend really, hanging on the end of my phone, hoping a green flash would appear with his name. And when it did, I didn't really get the questions or answers I really wanted. I guess I just really wanted him to really want me. But he was hanging out with his housemates after his trecking endevours to the lakes. I could of course understand this, I just really wanted to see him. I felt that seeing him would help everything fall into place and confirm that I'd made the right decision. But being unable to see him made me worry and really battle the urge to message Alex and drop everything like a hat and go and see him instead. Ultimately, I'm glad I didn't, because it wouldn't be at all fair. To anybody. But, I was just so all over the place.
We ended up arranging to meet Sunday evening at 6.30, which foolishly made me very excitable for the entire day. He met me at the station, he did the cute thing he does where he crunches up his face when he saw me in a lil smile, I smiled and we shared a kiss, he took my hand and we walked back to his. It just felt normal to be with him, I felt calm, happy...like an idiot! I was so angry at him yesterday but for what?
I brought the remainder of the spirit we didn't drink last time and he fetched glasses. He spent time telling me about his 'holiday' which he learnt he'd never want to do again, especially on his own. It did sound like a lonely experience, but I was in a daft way proud that he went through with it dispite what many had warned him of. It made for entertaining stories, and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe one day we'd be embarking on a little trip of our own one day. I don't know why I think these things and get carried away, because he's only very honest with me about everything. We spoke lots about pretty much everything, but he did subtly make me aware that rumours at work suggest a promotion for him, that could entail moving away from London. I realise, that everything could suddenly vanish if this is the case, and it did make me feel sad at the thought. But ultimately, I'm really pleased for him because he really does deserve it. He works hard and cares a lot about what he does. My mind wondered, of course, that's what will happen, he'll get a promotion, move away, game over. The one who got away. But then again, if that happens, then it does. Enjoy the now while I can. And I was brought back around again, as we poured more drinks and talked more about the wonders of online dating, trials and errors, interesting encounters. We talked about money too, which I usually don't like doing, but again, with him, it didn't make me feel tense or nervous because I realise that we're both very similiar - both incredibly poor! haha but we don't let it impact on our lives terribly, we just get on with it and I really admired that in him. I also liked how he's just never afraid to bring these sort of things up. Perhaps it's the fact he can't actually stop himself and he probably doesn't really think about it. But either way, it makes me think he trusts me which is nice.
He said that we were both similar, positive people and I liked that he had noticed this too. I don't know what this means in the grand scheme of things, and I do wonder where he thinks this is all going but still, it really hasn't been very long at all and I'm getting ahead of myself. I like to think that the more we see each other the more I'll grow on him. I know he could be blunt and honest with me, and so far, we've not had to have any frank discussions.
Soon the layers came off and we got all passionate, ah he just ignites this flame from within me that I just can't shy away from at all. Normally I'd be scared of looking silly or being too much but, we certainly seem to connect on a fantastic sexual level and it gives me such joy, because I don't think he was expecting it at all. I had a hunch, there's something in the way that he moves and carries himself that left me curious. And then when we did, it was better than I could have ever imagined! He smiled and grinned, exclaiming that he loved how it was different every time. I am very conscious of this because it has certainly been a fault in the past where sex can get easily monotonous and quickly become a routine. I don't want this to be the case with us, and I don't think it will be, if we're both willing to commit to what we are, to an extent.
So, that was all great fun. We ordered food and ate it chattily, then had more passionate times before falling asleep. He is a bit of a fidget, but I don't really mind. He mumbles and his limbs jump, it makes me want to cling onto him tightly and let him know that everything's ok.
Of course, he's never said anything of this nature, but I wonder if he's a little bit sad inside sometimes. I think he's like me, lost and confused and in need of someone to rely on. He might not even know this, but I want so much to be that person. I want him to see me as the calm of his storm, someone he doesn't feel afraid to get close to, if he'll let me in. I think he's been messed around a lot in the time, he was on the website for about a year before messaging me, so I reckon he sees people up to a certain point and then something happens, maybe something clicks in him and he doesn't want to continue. Maybe he's picky, or maybe he chooses the wrong sort of people. Who knows. What I do know is that he's been with lots of girls, and dates, which does make me a bit nervous I suppose, but I also just think he's been keen on finding someone to settle down with but just hasn't had the best luck. I don't know why I assume this, he could be a dog. He could be using me as he pleases and then drop me, just like all the others before me. But, it feels different, I would be very surprised if this were the case...but of course, there's time for this to happen.
This morning was nice too, he awoke early for work and we spent some more passionate time together, which was lots of fun. I left at the same time as him, as I don't feel right staying in his place without him being there too, and he walked me to the tube. I wonder when I'll see him next... I do like the way things were left this morning though, I like to think that it's something he'll be thinking about lots for the rest of the day. I'm just saying this for my own ego and memory but he did say 'well that was the best morning sex i've ever had!' which felt good. I had to agree. I'm so pleased that the connection in that sense is strong between us, because I think it means a lot to him. And it does to me, too, as much as I don't want to admit it. Sex was the downfall in me and Joe's relationship and my vise when it came to other guys. I'm just very strongly led in that respect. Which is why, I don't feel like I can see Alex because, if he were to know that, it would be truly devestating for him.
Before I left last night, I wrote alex a letter. It was telling him that I was sorry and if he was still interested, could I meet him and maybe we could give things a go. I am yet to send it. And I reckon at this time, I won't.
Sigh.
I need to eat something and prepare for another interview. I feel really excited about it. I feel nervous because if they do offer it to me, it'll make the remaining time at Mikimoto very awkward, I think I'll let them down a lot. But this company is very exciting and new, I feel like it really suits me a lot more and could really go to some very interesting places. It was described as 'informal' so, I already feel a little bit more at ease. I'm going to spend time understanding the brand and hope they like me. It's a customer service sort of role so it's important I make a good first impression.
It'll be full time but more money as a result which is really what I need at the moment.
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