So, who'd have thought it. This evening I messaged Alex with pretty much everything that was on my mind. And let's face it, it's a pretty tangled up mess so goodness only knows what he'll end up replying.
Basically, I feel like at this moment in time I have a little bit of hindsight. For once, I'm not trying to put myself first and I'm considering the longterm side effects, because these things never seem to end up well for me. I end up sick with sadness and guilt after pulling some other poor person through the works, truly lulling them into this false sense of security when actually, I've no idea what I'm doing and what my plans are. It's not fair. It's not acceptable. And it's not what a self respecting 24 year old should be doing with her life right now. Mum wonders where you went off the rails, and I can see what she means. This way of going about things isn't mature, and of course I won't get settled if I won't cut the things I need to, loose.
Alex and I had arranged for me to go and visit him this weekend like I've always done in the past. A couple of nights ago, we had a serious chat because I couldn't really take the 'not knowing what we are' anymore, especially with how my feelings for Lee have just been getting stronger the more and more I've been spending time with him. What's killing me, is that only a month ago I would have just jumped at his wonderful words...'I have feelings for you, we fit well together, I don't see why we can't progress things further if you're willing?'... I just feel like, here it is. Finally, what I was after for so long; answers. And now I have them, something is holding me back. I'm going to have to choose. Because I'm sure as heckfire am not going to try and avoid the confrontation, the hitting it head on to avoid the upset, no. I want to start things on the right foot, I want this time to be different. But it is a risk.
I've known Alex over four months now, we talk every single day, throughout the day. His name is the one I see in the mornings, evenings, he hears all sorts of things about my day and we mostly talk about daft, silly things but it's so comforting and familiar. He's become a rather big part of my life without physically being about in it much, or for long. But I do wish we lived closer, or I could more easily drop everything for him and move nearer to him. I mean, seriously, only a few weeks ago I would have considered it. Which is starting to make me question how real my feelings for Lee really are. I mean, I've seen him more times I'm sure, and i've been able to share with him things I've never shared with anyone before. There is no subject of conversation that I feel is off limits with him, being next to him feels so natural. He really makes me laugh, a lot. He has qualities that I admire, I want to become more like him the more time we spend together, and I want to help him in any way I can, maybe in ways he isn't even aware of. I look at him and I can't describe it. And yes, it's early days, he could turn out to be a complete areshole, leave me high and dry, could be playing me for a fool. But, he could also be...a very big deal.
And I couldn't help but ask myself, how would I feel if I were to discover if he had gone to visit a girl he'd been seeing for the past few months, mutual feelings shared, for a weekend? Pretty upset. Devestated actually.
The thing is, they're both totally different. There really are zero similarities. Alex is so calm, collected, thoughtful. He is also pretty independant as he confidently goes through life, I mean he has everything all laid out already, he knows what's going where and he has his plans and I have no doubt he'll stick to them and achieve them. He enjoys the simple pleasures in life, and yes he's a bit shy and a little awkward but I find these qualities charming and when he does make a move, it means even more. And to hear he's been in two and a half year relationships in the past has changed my opinion of him in a way, as I just didn't know what to expect. Maybe relationships weren't his thing, but now he's saying he wished he'd asked me to be his girlfriend sooner...he's just so sweet.
Thing is, I'm not at the stage of sharing any of this with Lee yet. It really is just so early days and I really am scared to tell him anything like this because it is likely he'd run a mile.
I'm just trying to do what's fair, but it's so tough. I know that if I were to go and see Alex tomorrow, we'd just have the most amazing time and it wouldn't change the fact that I do care lots for him. But it also wouldn't change the way I felt about Lee and I'd feel guilty too because, we would probably end up having sex because the awkwardness builds to such a tension that can only really be relieved by doing it, and eventhough I think Lee might think himself a bit of a player, I don't think he'd do that. Or certainly not without giving me a bit of a hint beforehand. It just feels like I'm in too deep now. I don't want to meet anyone else. With all my previous relationships and things, there has always been someone else to take me in a different direction. Distract me, take me away on another adventure. But with Lee, I know that I'd happily cut every single other person out. In a heartbeat. And that's saying something. Could I do the same with Alex? I'm not sure I could. And that's also saying something. Especially with the distance, I'm not sure I could trust myself what with meeting Lee and all the good times we have. And all the good times we are still to have...
I've been weighing it up all week, sitting on it, sleeping on it, getting ill thinking about it, knowing something isn't right and I don't want to be that stupid girl anymore. Who ends up crying, alone, hurting several people in the process.
Alex is the kind of guy I'd be happy bringing home to the family, I know they'd all get on with him well and find him very nice and polite. Lee, I'd have to wait a while! Mum has already made it clear she's not a fan of the tattoos or plugs. However, she'd warm to him quickly I'm sure as he's so charming. And his quick witt would go down a storm with my dad and brother, I could imagine him marvelling in the lounge, looking up at the walls of CD's and books and exchanging recommendations. I can see it so clearly. It's not Alex's fault, because he's just wonderful. But, he just seems to be missing this spark, this enthusiasm for life, that is so infectious, addictive, that I seek out in Lee so much. Could I trust him though? He could just flake out on me, he could get bored of me, could be stringing along all sorts of other girls without me even knowing.
But he's already been here, in my space, he just comes into my room, hangs his coat on my door and collapses on my bed like it's the most natural thing in the world. He looks so good in my bed, under my covers, the way he rolls and lights me cigarettes because he knows I can't do it. The way he makes lil jokes, makes lil remarks that you do when you feel comfortable with someone. The way it really is so easy to talk about anything and everything, the way he says he can't listen to everyone but can to me...it's too much, surely. I can't be feeling all this so soon, surely. I wonder if he feels even close to this. I wonder if he's been thinking of me on his travels. He's certainly texted me more. More time I guess.
Really, my weekend is hinging on whether Lee wants to meet this weekend, I think he may suggest it, but late in the day, probably on the day, by which time I'll be in Canterbury and I won't be able to. Maybe I should text him in the morning and find out what his plans are...no, too pushy. Urgh. I love how easy it is to talk to him in real life but hate how I have to think about every text I want to write. Having to hold back so much!
What will she choose? What will she do? Will she see Alex, or will she stay home like she should? Maybe Lee will text her in the night to arrange something at the weekend and then she'll follow her heart. Or will she try and keep everything afloat.
Well, I have just texted Lee and suggested maybe meeting up over the weekend. If he bites, I'll see how that makes me feel which will determine what I say to Alex...aww, god... :(
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