Out of my depth, can't really do whatever the hell this is anymore...

Wow. Okay. So this week I've been going well and truly off the rails...Lee, Olive and then Ben...not a day apart. What a whore.

Why? I have no idea. I thought I was happy. But it doesn't actually seem like I am. I was speaking to mum yesterday on the phone and she kept asking me if I was alright? All I could say was 'yeah,' but she said she could just tell by the sound of my voice that I wasn't really. I don't know why I do the dumb shit that I do, I guess at the time I don't think that it'll catch up with me, I adopt this 'hey! I'm single! I can do what I want!' attitude I've never had before and end up really hurting myself. Not to mention others involved also. Well, Olive certainly. I should not have done that, however clear I was at the outset, I know it won't sink in and I'll probably have to hurt him again. Oh dear.
I also went ahead and sent the letter to Alex. Another thing I probably shouldn't have done. I guess I put my sadness down to us not speaking when actually, I don't really believe that to be the case. It's Lee, it's him I've fallen for but I guess he just hasn't fallen for me, and that really...feels awful. But, it's probably deserved, no? I mean, all the horrible things I've done in my younger years, karma needs to balance it out a bit surely. Indeed, I know that's a negative attitude, but the whole situation is just making me feel on edge the whole time, I'm having to hold so much of myself back all the time, I feel like I'm always the first to start the conversation, to suggest things and it just makes me feel so needy, clingy and small. I feel like an absolute idiot, and I hate it. I hate leaving my weekends open for him to possibly suggest something which eventually never comes about, I'm just going to leave it now. I'm not going to message or text him again, I'll let him make the move. That's if he ever fucking does. Who does he think I am, really? I need to get the fuck into a relationship as I can't stand it anymore. I can't take this anymore. I need to put my efforts into something, someone. I can't do all these games, all these different messages and peoples names - it doesn't make me feel good, it makes me feel lost and confused and...I want someone to call home...I feel lonely. I feel like absolute shit. And I blame him, but really, it's me. We're just 'seeing each other' - what does that even mean? Meet up for a fuck when someone feels the need? A fuck out of nowhere and then bugger off to nowhere!? That's what it feels like. I want the other person to care, to invest, to put in, to not be afraid. Just feel...rubbish really. Out of my depth. Confused. What am I going to do with all the free time ahead of me? I don't like it :( I don't like being able to spend it thinking about all this shit. I've been eating such a lot of rubbish too. It really varies from eating nothing at all to eating pizza and chocolate. Terrible. I miss full time work something fierce. I really hope I got the job at Uniform Wares...