I just wish...

Jesus Christ. I don't know what's wrong with me. Sitting on the floor in a heap, crying. The tears won't stop. I'm not okay.

Why? Is it really this current situation? Phoebe, he doesn't owe you anything. You're not together. He is a guy for fucks sake. He doesn't care about you, just move on from it all entirely. There is zero point holding onto something that's only going to make you feel like shit, eat shit and do nothing with your free time.

I just hate the waiting.

Indeed, he does probably like you, but not enough to text you back. Not enough to think about you, think about your feelings. This does suggest that maybe he has other girls on the side, or, he's completely absorbed in his own life...

I'm going to go to the gym and sweat my balls off there. Like really, spend all evening there because I have nowhere else to go. I'm going to tire myself out good and proper, so I can go home and just sleep myself into oblivion. I hate how I am right now. I hate who I am.

I just wish...

*

So, I'm back from the gym. I must say, I do feel a little less sorry for myself now. I guess I'm just not used to all this free time and a stress free job, I don't know, something isn't sitting right with me and it needs to change. I don't know what componant it is though, and it's troubling me. Maybe it's the lack of direction, the lack of routine, the hopping from one guy to the next. Really, I know myself. I know me better than anyone else does. And I know, I can't do this 'hopping' malarky. I've had a year of it, and it's been really shitty year in that respect. I've had some great times, sure. But ultimetly, where does that leave me? Sitting on my bed at 5.40 on a SATURDAY night. I should be pulling on a skimpy dress and ready to paint the town red with my girlfriends and then get home to my other half. I have none of that. I have zero girly friends, no town to paint red and no guy to go home to afterwards.
So, I need a plan. I can't keep sitting here wollowing. Maybe I'll call dad in a bit and go and head back this evening. We can have some wine and talk about all my problems and watch comedy, he always makes me feel better in the end. He could be busy though, that could be the case. I just need to do something to get me out of here, because it's driving me mad. It makes me obsess over things and I can't stand it.
Ok.
So, that could well be this evening planned at least. I'm not holding out much hope when it comes to contact with Lee, there's a match on and he's probably going out. There might be a slim chance tomorrow evening, in which case I could get the train back tomorrow afternoon and go and meet him. What I should really do is just ignore him altogether. I mean, this has been awful - it's my awful mess, I'm not blaming him exactly, but he is making me far more unhappy than happy and right now, I want someone to rely on and I doubt he's looking for the same thing. And if he is, he's certainly not showing it. And if I don't hear from him at all I'll suggest popping back and seeing Alex on Monday as we're both off that day. It'll just be a few hours but it's enough for some games and hopefully some nice times that will put me back on track again. And then when monday does come about hopefully I'll have an exciting email waiting for me to read about the interview...but, wouldn't that be all too jammy? Yeah, probably. I do know that I'd take it if they offered it to me. Without much hesitation, I need a challenge. Something completely new.

Sigh. My eyes hurt from crying. When did I become such a lowlife? Why can't I stop giving a shit.

I think I'll get ready to go to dads and I'll probably update this later on the train. Hopefully I'll be able to hold it together until then, and the duration of the journey. I dearly hope I'll be on a carridge full of old folk and not young uns' getting all drunk for a night out, as I wish so much to be like them tonight...