God, I fall so hard and so fast, I am very aware this is a flaw of mine but it just can't be helped when someone to captivating enters my life and catches me completely off guard. I realise that I'm actually in complete awe of him, and that eventhough I think we probably are on the same page, does it really matter if we're not!? We have such fun together what does it even matter?
So, last night he came to mine, I went and met him at the station. I love that he just appears before my eyes and gives me a cute but kinda shy lil kiss, then as we walk he takes my hand. I love that. That is what I'm looking for, someone to not be afraid to make that first, small move. Because it is small! But it's the start, he acknowledges this and together we grin and talk giddily about our days. He makes me laugh so much, so quickly too, like I can't add to it he's so sharp! We go and buy wine although I decide to buy sailor Jerry's as it is delicious and I feel we've earnt it. We go back to mine, pour drinks and just chat non stop. We talk about everything and so openly too. Sex, families, friends, work, each other...I love that it's as though no subject is off limits, I've never really had that with a guy before. I told him things that I've not told anyone else before. I need to remember this for the moments in in doubt, because im lucky to have even had this with him, even if it does dissolve.
We get drunker and the talking continues, I give him a silly lil gift, a couple of books to take with him on his camping trip to the Lake District, writing prompts and a notebook for ideas. He receives it graciously, says its really sweet and thoughtful and gives me a kiss. We decide to order food and then we have the most incredible, passionate, rough sex I've ever had in my life! It was hands digging deep into skin, kisses and tongues lingering over every surface, loud, fast, such fun! I was happy for the empty house! We both panted and grinned, admired each other, admitted it was the best we'd ever had, like teenagers who knew what they were doing! It was amazing! Then the food arrived, massive pizza and garlic bread and we ate greedily and carried on drinking and talking. We smoked on my balcony, drank a bit more and retired to under the sheets. We soon did it again! I just want to know everything he wants, everything he desires and be all of those things for him! I had an idea what he liked from what he'd talked about in the past, dropped it in lil conversations and such, plus he's a guy so, there will always be a curiosity! I happen to really enjoy it, im always a little nervous about how it looks and such but it feels really good, so I happily offered it and he excitedly accepted! He said he couldn't believe it, and that it was a bit thing for him so I was glad that I said something when I did. I have a feeling we'll connect on more things too! Which I can't wait for!
We awoke this morning tired but happy, I like how he puts my head on his chest and kisses my forhead, it feels...more than just a fuck. It really does.
I just look at him and I can't shake the crazy feelings, the mad thoughts of just wanting to be married to him and just be with him all the time!
We did have some interesting talk about a chap he met at work who turned out to be a bit of a mentor to him too, he talked about how he managed to pull these emotions out of him that he'd never vocalised before, how he may even be slightly depressed which I found very interesting. It also didn't really surprise me either really, he's so 'on' all the time, and a bit like me in that he's so happy and chatty and positive all the time, there must be a core of something a bit darker going on. Much like me, im pretty sure I've had spells of depression reading back some entries here but would never openly admit.
We got the tube together and he's off to buy his various camping gear and I'm off home. He's going to a friends party where lots of previous girls he'd slept with are going to be there too, which did make me feel a lil weird I must admit, but then I liked how he openly told me. He certainly didn't have to, I could have easily have never known or found out. I think he's slept with lots of girls, I know this much, but I'm not exactly a saint either and I really don't think he'd sleep with someone else now. He dropped in the word 'girlfriend' a couple of times and how there's all the tying up of loose ends that you have to do, contact people and tell them that you've got a girlfriend and it's not ok to talk that way, that sort of thing! It made me smile that he'd been thinking about it. We're friends on facebook now too. My last entry where I felt sad that I hadn't heard from him, he had actually contacted me on there and the site we met to say he'd broken his phone and didn't have my number! Which is funny because I was thinking about him so much that night. He said he'd done the stalking, as had I! We're pretty darn similar.
I realise the cool factor is very important here, I'm going to let him take the reins in that respect, I don't want to pressure him along and I think he likes how i don't. Hopefully everything will fall into place as it should. We shall see. He said as soon as he's back he'll want to see me, I hope so :) I imagine it's going to be a quiet few days from him though but he has prepped me for this. He just brings out these sides of me that I like, I just don't want anybody else.
Which, puts me in a tough spot. Because there's still Alex on the scene, and this new chap who I met up with once last week, who seems really very keen. I also saw olive last week too. Was nice but went exactly how I thought it would, him kissing me and not being able to keep his hands to himself. I have missed his nerdy lil ways and cute face though, it could have so nearly have been great but he's just far too intense.
Mikhail is similar in a way, very passionate and confident, an air or arrogance too. He's very stylish, wears amazing suits and hats, bow ties every day, bead and tash, he's got a look going on! Too cool almost. It's all a little too considered I think, it's the first time I've ever had the opportunity to spend time with someone so attractive, who id see in the street and be amazed by but knew they wouldn't look my way. So it was an interesting experience to say the least, he was actually really very charming. We ate cheese and bread, drank wine, was a very silivised evening. We shared a kiss, very french, very wet urgh, and he had an obsession with my neck and erotically strangling me, which im not sure i was really into. He wanted me to stay but I just have lee on my mind all the time, I didn't, I politely declined. Then he called my name in the street as I walked to work, as he only works in the next street. It was nice to see him. He wants to meet again, I'd like to, but not in the way he does I don't think. Lee is quick to tell me all of these lil things very openly but I've not shared any of my lil secrets and I wonder what he'd make of them if I did tell him. I won't, I mean there's no point as there really is no comparison to how I feel about him, there would be no need to bring it up just to provoke some sort of jealously, it's not the way I role.
Alex on the other hand...
Sigh. What happened? I looked for someone new and then found them, that's what. I think he may realise somethings up, we don't say goodnight to each other anymore and I don't leave kisses at the end of messages eventhough he did intemitently. He wrote me a letter, which was so sweet...it made my heard sink as I just felt it was a lil too late. We haven't even spoken on the phone, I always end up going to him, we've never talked about what we are. I mean we are basically friends who meet and eventually have sex after a fair bit to drink and game playing. It's fun, but it just doesn't feel very grown up. I should really tell him these things, I really should. I don't want to upset him and there's a risk he might get embarrassed and then never talk to me again. I would miss him. But he has no intention of moving here, would never make any noise about me moving there, not that I really could to be honest. But if he went out on a limb I would consider it! I would consider many things if he had the courage to ask me...why don't I ask him? I'm afraid though...
So I'm not far from home and already I miss lee and wonder when I'll see him next, I hope it's soon...
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