Are you one hundred feet above your head?

I'm happy to be back on route again to London, but I don't like how I organised it and now I feel tremendously guilty. I had a lovely time experiencing the fresh, crisp air of the Cornish sea coast, however it did allow my mind to wonder and get a bit lost and confused by what was meant to be happening next in my life. As I ventured down on the train home to meet them I felt excited, but I usually do. It's not until I'm there I realise that I feel like I'm my thirteen year old self on one of our family holidays. I felt low, all I wanted to do was eat chocolate in front of the TV but it was good for me to get out and about more. I couldn't help but notice the gap that's growing between me and my mum, in that I can't really tell her anything I want to. I sat at mealtimes looking at them and listening to them retelling plots from series on the radio and nice food they'd eaten, but I found myself at a loss of what to say that wouldn't alienate or annoy them. I still manage to irritate her though by my scattyness and loss of direction, I guess I can understand this. But it would be nice to have a bit of support now and then. 

I have got a new job though, so that's something at least. 

Tonight I'll be seeing Lee, I'm excited and kinda nervous too, maybe it's because I haven't seen him for a while. I've missed him actually, and thought of him lots as family matters seemed to have caused a bit of trouble earlier in the week. I just really hope what we have going on at the moment won't turn into the same thing as me and Alex...nothingness. Where we both want to talk about stuff but don't, so it just stays the same, as 'nothing.' I want a guy to take charge and control, dare to make the commitment because I'm worth it! But I certainly don't want someone to tiptoe around it just to be polite, because it feels as though all me and Alex are friends who fuck...fun as that is, I don't fancy forking £40 a time and travelling an hour each way...hmm. I should tell him this but, I'm scared to. I guess if I feel that things are getting more serious with Lee I'll absolutely cut all ties with everyone else, and I'll have to tell him then. But maybe it won't ever come to that...