Suffocate

Don't want this long weekend to be over, I just don't want to have to face reality.

Because the reality is a frightening one. I am right back there, with fear in the pit of my stomach and nothing lined up ahead of me. Only loneliness, bills to pay and a constant battling to keep my head above water. What am I going to do? Truly? 

My job has come to an end, they no longer needed me. They all asked the dreaded 'what's next?' Question and I had to make up some rambling bullshit of taking some time off and finding my creative feet and 'giving things a proper go' where really, I have no idea what that thing is at all. 

They keep offering Harrods hours but I just don't want to go back there at all,id rather eat nothing but supermarkets own bran flakes for the rest of my days than paint on my make up, scrape back my hair and pretend to give a damn about luxury retail. The last part of retail I give zero fucks about.

I just, really want to give the creative thing a real go but, something keeps holding me back. I am haunted by my past. My past from only last year, where I was comfortable, I was in a stable relationship of a good deal of time, work wasn't great but it was there. Something got in me and made me change, now look where I am. 

I hope I didn't make a mistake. But it's times like this I fear I have. On a train back in the dark and the rain, with nothing to hold onto but memories of a lovely but fleeting weekend of great food and sex but with a guy who's nervous and reluctant to talking about what's really going on. I really need to try and focus on the positives here, I'm going to have to really try but surely im not the only one in the world who keeps finding themselves in these scary situations, with no idea what the hell's going on. I need to try and take some comfort in that, but I am so terribly scared I'll fall into a black hole and never make it out the other end. I've lost everything and its going to get worse, I'm going to end up going home, where nothing is happening and I'll be even more alone... I'll get fat and sad and any creative part of me will have evaporated long ago. Why should I 'make it'? Why should people take me on? 

Now you're free. Sure, you don't have much money but you can do without for a month or two which is enough time to formulate a plan. Use this time for a holiday, a break, get into a routine;

Up, apply for jobs before 9, hit the gym, shower, breakfast, art it up, etsy shop, trend research, lunch, more art, maybe venture out and then dinner and bed. 

So what you don't have a boyfriend? You can use that time and money to put towards the things you need to do.

I just hope the loneliness doesn't suffocate me...

I just want to cry. How am I going to do this? I haven't done the applying thing on my own before, I have no rock, I'm not strong enough to be my own rock...