What's happened?

It appears I am battling with my anxiety again. Why doesn't the good feeling last longer? Why do I so quickly fall back into the depths of worry and panic at any given opportunity? Just when I think I have everything sussed out, it all falls on top of me again. My life is just as big of a mess as it was before. Inviting someone new into my life isn't going to simply erase the fact that I haven't sorted the core problems, they're still there.

The weekend was magical, I long to be there with him again. I'm starting to feel myself fall for him, but I hate the fact that I rely on his communication to impact on my happiness. Not only on how much we have contact, but the way we do. I try and read his tone but it's so hard on a tiny screen, on a silly app, there's so much padding to everything we say, we both fear cutting to the chase and getting to the real point. But why?

But in person, I can tell he's nervous and shy. I feel as though he must have been hurt badly in the past. He must also have reservations about our 'situation' if it can be called that, too, but he seem to be enjoying going along with it. It would be lovely if he lived here, or, I lived nearer to him...but I'm falling to quickly into intensity. What's the rush? Why do I feel as though that needs to happen? What's wrong with a bit of distance? I suggested seeing him again the weekend after next, but I don't like being the one to suggest it. When I saw him he said plenty of times that he wanted to rearrange meeting up again, but it feels weird having to ask...


I made him a little card last night with an owl drawing on it, as I know he likes owls. I feel like such a fool though. I just, don't know what I'm doing. Helplessly clinging on to anything that I think will make me happy.

:(

Nothing bad has happened really and yet I feel down. Maybe I was hoping he'd be more enthusiastic about seeing me again?


Yeah, but it's only been a couple of days! He's tired, probably looking forward to catching up with things, maybe he wants to appear cool and calm. Plus, it's a long way off yet, so, it's not really a big deal. He hasn't said 'not sure' or 'no' he says he'll pop it on his calendar with a smile, give him a break!


I guess I'm just nervous. I don't want to spoil it in some way, freak him out or for him to disappear. It's bad because Dan is back on the scene again and Joe too, but I don't see anything but Alex. But I can't let him know that, not now anyway.

It's still such early days, both of you haven't committed to anything, you just chat and have fun when you meet. When I'm with him, when we embrace, when we cuddle in bed, it feels more and it feels real. But there's no telling what it all means. I guess I'm just conscious of getting hurt and looking like an idiot. He's a lovely guy, I don't think he'd make me feel that way but people can surprise you. Like Olive did, nothing could have prepared me for that. He is giving me something to look forward to anyway, and something to focus on when I go to the gym and when I'm sitting alone in my room, he prompts me to pick up a pen and start drawing.


Sigh.