God, I can't wait for the winter. So I can curl up to myself, hug my knees in chunky knitwear and spend days watching films and drinking lots of tea. That sounds so...lonely. But in truth come this winter I won't know who on earth I'll be with and what will be happening. I'll no doubtedly be just as confused, in a mess, in the same shitty job just as frustrated, hopefully a bit slimmer from all this gym going though, that's one thing I'm holding out for. But as my mind wonders the worry fills me with dread at the thought of me and Alex and how close I want to be with to him, all the time, and how in reality, I'm not sure how often that can happen. He lives an hour away, our work patterns are all over the place, sure we talk every day but who else does he do that with? I don't feel as though he's playing me for a fool, but still, how well do I really know him? I am hopeful next weekend I'll find out a bit more, and maybe open up to him a little bit too. The thing is, there's also the complete flip side to all this, what's the flaming rush? Why do I feel like all of a sudden it needs to be this or that? Because that's the sort of person I am, that's why. A fucking head case.
I also emailed dan a very serious sort of email that asked all the questions I've wanted to ask over the past few months, to nothing in reply as of yet. He said I should has asked at the time and not assumed. Well, it's a shame I had to be the first to be the grown up and say how I felt about things...
Well hello there Simpson!
I am so sorry this is a lil delayed, I really wanted to get typing away to you yesterday eve but last night just dissolved as I got a bit wrapped in the schedule of houseviewings (and it was a schedule!) managed to hammer through 6 people in the end so it was a long evening, but I think we've found the right lady and she'll be moving in next weekend. I hope she's nice and doesn't turn out to be a nutcase, I haven't had the best luck in the past! But all seemed good, so, we'll just have to see what happens there.
Aw, I've missed writing emails to you! I remember them being really good and flowing well and in order too haha but this one may be a bit more erratic, I thought I'd warn you about that now! But there's no doubt how much better a keyboard is than a flaming iphone screen!
I hope you're okay and all is well with you! I hope I didn't make you feel worried or anything yesterday by the way, that wasn't my intention at all. I guess I was just aware that recently I haven't really been very good at keeping up with the olde communication lark, and you know me and how I love a good natter and long message! I have been disappointed by my own efforts as of late, so I felt something more lengthy is in order (yes, I give you permission to make a cheeky remark about that statement haha!) and more deserved. If it's any consolation though, it's not a personal thing! It's been with everyone, personal things have been getting in the way recently. When I get any free time I'm usually on the phone to family, and at the weekends I'm usually there. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy visiting home, but there's always so much going on I never feel very well rested when I come away from it and start the week of work again.
Things haven't been so good at home actually, not wanting to get too deep into things but my Aunt hasn't been at all well not my granny, (her mum!) and as awful as that is it's more upsetting on how it's affecting my mum. So, it's been a bit up and down to say the least!
How have things been with you? Hows the studying going and such? It all sounds so grown up and important! I only know lil bits and pieces, like this new job you're starting soon too, do tell me more about that!! I have wanted to chat to you more and such, but, I don't know why but I find it hard to. I really enjoyed it the times we did lots when I was living in that Brixton place and then when I moved into that awful other house haha. Knowingly or unknowingly you really helped me through some truly unpleasant times! But we kinda stopped talking for a while didn't we, and I don't really know what that was. I guess we just got busy with work and things. Of course, that's absolutely fine, sometimes these things happen! Life happens! But, at the time I found it hard to adjust to. Because, the thing is, I'm not very good at the whole 'friends with benefits' type of thing, it's never really happened to me before. (without wanting to sound too intense here,) I'm the sort of person who likes to involve themselves 100% into the other person, all the cute stuff, the letters, texts, yada yada haha the romantic side of things, and it felt weird restraining myself from doing that with you. We never really talked about it, but I was scared to bring it up, because I didn't want you to feel like I wanted a full on relationship all of a sudden, because I know certainly at the time (and after coming out of a big one myself) that wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to frighten you away! And when we went through patches of talking lots and then having quieter spells, it was difficult to know where things stood.
I love spending time with you, and the times I've come to visit and you've visited me have been truly amazing!! But maybe, I don't know, I kinda want to ask you something but it feels like a big question! But, what is it that you want from me? Are you happy with the sort of situation that we have going on? Because, the thing is, I was. But in the recent couple of months I have kinda met someone else, which was where I was last weekend. I don't know why, but I almost didn't want to tell you this - is that weird? Hmm I think it probably is. The thing is, it caught me by surprise, it's nothing major or anything, but the opportunity came up and I decided to go along with it. I thought you were busy with work and things, we hadn't talked in ages, I thought maybe you didn't want to see me again, and then I get these messages from yoo out of nowhere and I didn't know what to do!
Okay. Honesty time. So after our last Skype session, I told myself 'that was the last time' because, well, I was a bit upset with you! Just at how I felt like you only seemed to contact me when it best suited you. I know you're super busy and such, plus, we both don't live near to each other, it's hard to know what you're doing one week to the next. But a bit of notice is always appreciated and the whole 'I have a friend who might cancel, but if he does I can come to you' kinda vibe, didn't make me feel all that great. I just felt like a bit of an idiot really. It's not that I don't enjoy the times we spend together (trust me on that one!!) but I just felt like I'm worth a lil more than that. So that was that really. But, I missed you and just talking to you and things, I felt silly because I hadn't said anything either. And it's only now that I am! I don't find it very easy telling people things they might not want to hear, I also don't wanna make you feel bad. But I also want to tell you everything, so, there you are!
I guess I just feel as though at some point we should lay our cards on the table, so we know where we both are. For me, after breaking up with Joe it was odd being single again. I've always been in a relationship with someone, so I found it pretty tough to start with. I don't regret it though, I think it was the right thing to do. I feel better for a break from everything and having time to myself. But if the opportunity were to come along to start something up again with someone, I would, because that's the sort of person I am. (I don't think that'll be happening any time soon by the way!) I'm just saying it as it is really! But, how do you feel about all of this? Is this far too heavy? haha it probably is! But, I'd love to know what you thought about it all...I hope you understand where I'm coming from a lil bit!
Look forward to speaking soon :) xxx
I am so sorry this is a lil delayed, I really wanted to get typing away to you yesterday eve but last night just dissolved as I got a bit wrapped in the schedule of houseviewings (and it was a schedule!) managed to hammer through 6 people in the end so it was a long evening, but I think we've found the right lady and she'll be moving in next weekend. I hope she's nice and doesn't turn out to be a nutcase, I haven't had the best luck in the past! But all seemed good, so, we'll just have to see what happens there.
Aw, I've missed writing emails to you! I remember them being really good and flowing well and in order too haha but this one may be a bit more erratic, I thought I'd warn you about that now! But there's no doubt how much better a keyboard is than a flaming iphone screen!
I hope you're okay and all is well with you! I hope I didn't make you feel worried or anything yesterday by the way, that wasn't my intention at all. I guess I was just aware that recently I haven't really been very good at keeping up with the olde communication lark, and you know me and how I love a good natter and long message! I have been disappointed by my own efforts as of late, so I felt something more lengthy is in order (yes, I give you permission to make a cheeky remark about that statement haha!) and more deserved. If it's any consolation though, it's not a personal thing! It's been with everyone, personal things have been getting in the way recently. When I get any free time I'm usually on the phone to family, and at the weekends I'm usually there. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy visiting home, but there's always so much going on I never feel very well rested when I come away from it and start the week of work again.
Things haven't been so good at home actually, not wanting to get too deep into things but my Aunt hasn't been at all well not my granny, (her mum!) and as awful as that is it's more upsetting on how it's affecting my mum. So, it's been a bit up and down to say the least!
How have things been with you? Hows the studying going and such? It all sounds so grown up and important! I only know lil bits and pieces, like this new job you're starting soon too, do tell me more about that!! I have wanted to chat to you more and such, but, I don't know why but I find it hard to. I really enjoyed it the times we did lots when I was living in that Brixton place and then when I moved into that awful other house haha. Knowingly or unknowingly you really helped me through some truly unpleasant times! But we kinda stopped talking for a while didn't we, and I don't really know what that was. I guess we just got busy with work and things. Of course, that's absolutely fine, sometimes these things happen! Life happens! But, at the time I found it hard to adjust to. Because, the thing is, I'm not very good at the whole 'friends with benefits' type of thing, it's never really happened to me before. (without wanting to sound too intense here,) I'm the sort of person who likes to involve themselves 100% into the other person, all the cute stuff, the letters, texts, yada yada haha the romantic side of things, and it felt weird restraining myself from doing that with you. We never really talked about it, but I was scared to bring it up, because I didn't want you to feel like I wanted a full on relationship all of a sudden, because I know certainly at the time (and after coming out of a big one myself) that wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to frighten you away! And when we went through patches of talking lots and then having quieter spells, it was difficult to know where things stood.
I love spending time with you, and the times I've come to visit and you've visited me have been truly amazing!! But maybe, I don't know, I kinda want to ask you something but it feels like a big question! But, what is it that you want from me? Are you happy with the sort of situation that we have going on? Because, the thing is, I was. But in the recent couple of months I have kinda met someone else, which was where I was last weekend. I don't know why, but I almost didn't want to tell you this - is that weird? Hmm I think it probably is. The thing is, it caught me by surprise, it's nothing major or anything, but the opportunity came up and I decided to go along with it. I thought you were busy with work and things, we hadn't talked in ages, I thought maybe you didn't want to see me again, and then I get these messages from yoo out of nowhere and I didn't know what to do!
Okay. Honesty time. So after our last Skype session, I told myself 'that was the last time' because, well, I was a bit upset with you! Just at how I felt like you only seemed to contact me when it best suited you. I know you're super busy and such, plus, we both don't live near to each other, it's hard to know what you're doing one week to the next. But a bit of notice is always appreciated and the whole 'I have a friend who might cancel, but if he does I can come to you' kinda vibe, didn't make me feel all that great. I just felt like a bit of an idiot really. It's not that I don't enjoy the times we spend together (trust me on that one!!) but I just felt like I'm worth a lil more than that. So that was that really. But, I missed you and just talking to you and things, I felt silly because I hadn't said anything either. And it's only now that I am! I don't find it very easy telling people things they might not want to hear, I also don't wanna make you feel bad. But I also want to tell you everything, so, there you are!
I guess I just feel as though at some point we should lay our cards on the table, so we know where we both are. For me, after breaking up with Joe it was odd being single again. I've always been in a relationship with someone, so I found it pretty tough to start with. I don't regret it though, I think it was the right thing to do. I feel better for a break from everything and having time to myself. But if the opportunity were to come along to start something up again with someone, I would, because that's the sort of person I am. (I don't think that'll be happening any time soon by the way!) I'm just saying it as it is really! But, how do you feel about all of this? Is this far too heavy? haha it probably is! But, I'd love to know what you thought about it all...I hope you understand where I'm coming from a lil bit!
Look forward to speaking soon :) xxx
... Pretty good I thought. So we'll see. It could be the end, and that's ok because I just need to know. I hope he does bother in giving me some sort of reply, if it gets to a week I'll assume that's the end.
So, home to see the family, then eggs is coming over for a few days next week which will be fun and will help it go fast...my mood and anxiety has been all over the place recently, one moment I feel fine the next really blue...sigh.
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