I knew fairly soon what I wanted, who I wanted, what worked and what didn't.
I can't believe that I saw him again, what was I thinking? I feel nuterel about the whole thing, we've chatted a lil bit since but it was almost as though both of us had this last thirst to quench from 4 years ago. It felt good, but why did I give him the satisfaction? Because you wanted it to!
It's a bit strange. I used to be so good at spending time by myself but these days I find it hard to sleep alone. There has to be some purpose to the day too, otherwise I feel restless and unable to relax. I look for people who'd come over, I think about sex constantly...I mean, what is my problem!? From one moment I want to settle down, get married, have children, the next I just want to sleep with anyone at any opportunity. I know which one I really want, the first of course. But I feel I need to kinda get the lust out of my system now before I get embedded in a serious relationship again because I don't want to do what i did before. Never again.
Me and dan still have our on, off, webcam sessions...Friday was the last time. I'm phasing him out, I'm just doing it as an ego boost and so is he, neither of us think it's going anywhere. I do want to ask him though, just to see what he actually thinks. But what would I do with that info? You don't want to be with him. Yeah he has money, great body, great job but we don't really share any connection. Even with sex he is cautious and nervous which is kinda cute but just, not what I want.
Me and Olive still chat, he still sends many bisous...I know he's still holding on and I shouldn't let him. In truth I do miss him, but the companionship, not really him because, he's clingy, jealous, irrational, too much of a headcase. Or too much of one for him, he just doesn't realise that yet. I hope we can be friends though, because he's a lovely person to know.
Been talking to this guy from tinder, Alex, who I've speaking to almost on a daily basis for the past 2 weeks. I told myself I'd never go back on there again, but I'm just curious I guess. I like the talking, the getting to know someone, having that person to talk to which stops me from texting the people I shouldn't be.
He seems nice, pretty funny and interesting. He has great taste in music and likes to type nice volumes of text, so we've a fair bit in common. He lives in Kent though, so not very local. We talk abou meeting up, but I don't know how seriously he really means it. Or me for that matter. I guess it would be a day out! God, listen to me. Sound like an old woman who waits for the milkman in hope for a chat. It would be fun though, who knows, maybe we'd have an undeniable connection!
So, we'll have to see what happens there.
Me and joe still talk too, for me, he's the one I really want the most. In all of this, I realise I still cry real bitter tears when I think about what we had and lost.
When he tells me how much I hurt him and wrewined everything, I still feel this dreadful feeling of regret and guilt, I shake and cry. There's unfinished business there, I just wish I could see him.
So, this 'time by myself' is going well, with at least 5 guys in the wings...what the hell. You're such a mess.
Thank Christ im on my way home to see the father, he'll transport me away from All this sillyness...
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