But why do I find it so hard to talk about how I really feel, especially when I know it could upset the other person? Being honest just saves so much time and upset in the long run, but somehow I can't face the upset it'll inevitably ensue. It's not his fault, it's nobody's fault, it's just I thought I was ready to move on but I'm not. My eyes still search and wonder, they are tempted and teased by others, a desire I need to quench properly before contemplating something more serious. Had it been another few months down the line, it could be perfect.
But we're in the now. And I'm still here.
On Saturday I believe I've a date with the past; Ben.
I wasn't really sure what I was thinking, but he crossed my mind and I found
An excuse to text him. It's been over 4 years now, I thought that must have been enough time! I didn't think he'd reply, maybe he'd changed his number. But sure enough he replied, in exactly the same way he always used to. I doubt he's changed a bit. Maybe for the bad and the good.
We're going to mooch about our old haunts, there was talk of a gig but maybe it'll just be drinking and catching up. Who knows. Who knows what I'll think when I see him, and I'll never know what he thinks when he sees me...I'm just so curious... Does he still think of me at all? Did he? What happened with his girlfriend, how does he feel, is he happy? Why do I even care? I don't know. But I do know that the 18 year old me is impressed, I'm doing it for her.
Because as time marches on, the bitter memories soon fade away and you're left with the glimmers of the good. I just want the closure I suppose.
Chris and dan are still making their appearances, which is confusing and comforting. I don't know what it means either. Probably nothing...
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