I don't trust myself

Everyone keeps saying that having a bit of time on my own is what I need...but I'm not entirely sure if it really is. The idea is daunting to me, and I'm not sure if it really suits me.
I'm in the city where everything is always going on, there's plenty to see and do, keep you busy and occupied. And one day, I used to long for that freedom. But why aren't I feeling it now? Why do I cling on still? And onto what? 
My eyes still search, and when they meet someone else's who catches my interest, my imagination starts to run wild and for that moment, they're all I can think about.
 
I know really, I just need to find someone new. And a new group of friends. I keep going back to the same familiar faces not because I really miss them or want to be with them even, but they're somewhat comforting to me. They remind me of times where I was once more clued up about my life, where I was going, what I wanted. They feeling takes hold, but only a moment. Then I get cold feet, realise why I moved on from them...too late, who knows. 
But how do I meet these people? How to I bump into my future husband...it sounds ridiculous, but it's all I can think about at the moment. Surrounded by all these beautiful jewellery pieces, everyone getting married around me, organising parties. It just feels so far away from where I actually am, I wonder if I'll ever get there. I'm just lost, in a daze. A haze. I need some sort of stability, need someone to help me help myself. But then again, I need to be the strongest person in my life, because others are unreliable and let me down more often than not...
 
Home this weekend. That'll keep my occupied for at least a little while.