blue, bleak and gloomy.

It's twenty to ten, and the curtains are drawn, I'm in bed with the fairy lights on, wishing to be transported anywhere else but where I am now.
I feel alone.
I feel ashamed.
I feel like I'm at one of those points in my life, where people use it as a time 'where I decided to change and turn my life around' but I haven't quiet reached that epiphany stage yet.
I'm in one of those moods where I can only see things on the face of it, horribly mundane, gloomy, blue and bleak. I'm in a job that in under a month I'll be back to square one again, maybe back to Harrods - a thought that fills me with dread. Which shows how much respect I actually have there, shows how the effort really isn't paying off...I've moved to 3 different places in the past 6 months, I've been with a remarkable amount of males in the same time, all of whom are lovely individuals, but are all turning me into the complete opposite. Why can't I choose? Why can't I choose none of them?
And now I search my screen in the hope of a name or maybe two and when it arrives blank, I feel so unwanted. When did I get so dependant and yet so scattered? I'm everywhere and yet nowhere all at the same time. I need some sort of structure and then when I do get an essence of some, I decide to rebel and want the freedom once more. Just can't seem to get the balance right...

I feel more childish than I have ever been in my life. Is this in the process of a break up? If so, I actually don't seem to be coping all that well. My god, I even allowed for Ben so slip back into my life, I mean what the fuck? I vowed never to let him have control over me again, and yet in a funny sort of way he has. I need to just drop that completely, I've had my fun, it hurt, and he's just as messed up as me. We can't both be that. It was always going to be non-starter, just get over it already. Get over it AGAIN! It took, what about 3 years to fully get over? It wasn't even that serious a relationship! It was a joke. This is what makes me wonder if I'll ever get over Joe...we had something very real and I messed it up...

But then, why can't I just make the leap? I guess there's still a part of me that thinks there's still someone out there who will save me from all of this. Will save me from my searching eyes and their clouded, lost visions. I really hope so. Maybe he's already right in front of me, who knows. I guess I just need someone to accomapny me, I'm possibly too much on my own and I don't want someone overpowering.
Where am I? Where is home? Where are my friends? What would my family think if they really knew what I had been doing?

It's easy. You just stop it. You call it off with Olive. You never text Ben again. You phase out Dan, you start looking for a proper job, a real job, you don't stop. Then, there will be space for a man to fill. A real man. I'm sure of it. Just let him in, with your arms open and your mind clear. Because that's when it'll happen. Not now, you've far too much going on and it's coming across in your aura. People won't want to approach, they know not to get involved...
sigh.
I need to sort it out, desberetly.