All the fear of letting go...

I wonder what it is I'm actually planning on doing. Because, really, I've fucked up a lot. I've spoiled a lot of good things, managed to tangle myself into good peoples lives and then left in untidy ways, just leaving these strings, these strands of unfinished business that linger, tempt, unsatisfy and upset.

When I see my dad, he really helps me feel like everything will be ok. Eventhough I haven't told him everything, he probably knows a fair bit without me even saying a word. But he doesn't judge me. 

I'm not a bad person, I don't do the things I do because I want to hurt anyone, I'm just confused and easily distracted. I like to think I'm generally a mature individual but I do have childish ways and when things feel uncomfortable and I'm unhappy about something, rather than confront I tend to just run away...

I run into disaster. My heart aches, my mind is noisy with all these thoughts, ongoing battles, sayings, phrases, absolutely nightmares. Will I ever get through this? It doesn't feel like it will ever end...

You know what you really need to do. Like once loved comedies that have gone bad, you've added far too many people into the mix, there is too much to choose from and you can't make any good choices with such a clouded mind, what with just moving, with your job ending and no career going on, the recent ending of a past serious relationship. Adding more ingredients is only going to turn it complicated and sour. But they all take up your time and keep you distracted for a while, they want you, your attention even if you've no intention of being with them. It's low, that's the way you get satisfaction is from this false attention...you've only hurt yourself in the process. 

You've got to stop inviting people into your life, because eventhough you feel you can, you aren't strong enough. They get led on, or, you latch onto them and when the whole things started on a casual basis, what do you expect? You can't be annoyed or upset at these guys, this was your doing. 

Everyone has been lulled and nobody knows this side of you. You need to change it while you're still aware of it, don't let it taint your future decisions. You really need to think about getting a new job lined up, because you seriously can't be without one. You need to be treated with respect and for this you have to treat others with the same, so just concentrate on what you've forgotten you're passionate about and everything else will follow...