I don't want to feel but I do

Yesterday I was caught out again by tears. Sometimes it just comes at me all at once and I realise how much I miss him. We were going to meet up but in the end I cancelled it. Not in the most cool way either, but I'm hoping it's better than it could have been, meeting up, having a lovely time but also getting emotional and making each other feel awkward and upset. I'm sure it would get around to 'are you seeing someone' and I wouldn't be able to deny it, but I also don't want to tell him because I still love him. 

A horribly confusing situation. 

But I saw olive and his smiling face did cheer me up, I guess I just feel a bit lost. Still. 

When I think about him still, I just wonder why the hell I did what I did. We were happy...