Fences in a row...

Another beautiful day in London. 

I feel mixed today, on one hand I feel free and excited at the prospect that this is the first time in my life I've been properly single and I don't have to feel guilty at thinking about it, and the idea of someone new. However on the other hand I realise I've fucked my house mate, two of my old flatmates, have no money, hate my job and have eaten, drunk and smoked such a lot of crap since moving in. I really need to focus on the latter and really get myself back to where I was before. I had direction, clear ambition. I need to get back there again.

I always feel this way when my phone has a couple of quiet days. I think about dan a lot but I know I enjoys keeping his distance, so I'm not going to rise to it and let him be the one who says what goes, because I don't want to get too attached and embarrass myself. As for Nik, well he's off on tour in Dublin, probably with some Irish groupie! I'm not jealous as such, I just know that's what's happening and he certainly isn't going to say no to the offer. He smokes and drinks far too much. He is arrogant and childish, but there's something about him I do really like, and want to know more about. I know he has a hidden side to him I could bring out, if he let me. 

I haven't thought about joe too much, but that's been a very conscious effort. Because when I do, I just want to cry. 

I did meet a few of Niks friends the other day, who were a nice bunch. Funny, interesting and a lot more mature than people I've properly met before and it filled me with hope. That these are people I can be around and accepted, maybe even one day tempt one of them...I know that a relationship at the moment is a bad idea. I need to properly heal. But I miss it so much, I don't like not knowing and I worry that maybe I won't ever have what me and joe had again. In respect to him and the relationship we had, I suppose I don't want something identical. But that connection...sigh. I've work for the next couple of days then I have a long weekend off. What am I going to do with it? I should go home but I can't afford it...maybe I should tell this to mum and see what she says. 

I hope today goes quickly. Can't believe we're in march already, I really need to get something else sorted soon.