Thought of mortality haunting me

I'm so sorry. I can't be more sorry, you are my life, my best friend and the most wonderful person I have ever met. Seeing you cry has been one of the worst moments of my life, I never ever meant to hurt you, make you scared or worried. You don't deserve to feel like I have made you feel, and I hate myself for it. I am completely emotionally drained, my eyes are sore and my heart is heavy. I just don't know what to do. Your friends will hate me, and you say you'll be directionless, nowhere to go, you never saw this coming. 'I want to be the best friend you grow old with,move to London, settle, make plans...have children...' Your words haunt me. What am I going to do? 

Why is a window still open for dan, with mine and his wondering thoughts. I should close it down, close him down, tell Chris is was all in the past and it should stay there and start afresh. But when I phoned Robyn she said I had done the right thing and not to move in as I'll only feel more trapped.

She could well be right. 

But, hearing joe say all these wonderful things, telling me he needed me, only wanted to make me happy. But he does make me happy, he is one of the most amazing people I know but why is there any doubt? If I'm happy then why do I stray? Why do my eyes look for something else, why do I not want to get comfortable? 

Dan and I don't connect in the same way at all, if we did then it would be a different story but we aren't the same people at all. He spends 5 days a week at the gym, eats 6 meals a day and likes South Park and daft comedy movies. His music taste spans from AC DC to club anthems. He has more money than he knows what to do with.

It's the guilt for sure, sinking in. I feel I can't go on with all these things I've done...