lust and it's stupid ways

I wish I knew what was going to happen next...
Is it him, or is there somebody completely new going to appear and surprise me? I suppose there's no way of knowing unless I wait to find out.
I miss him so much :( He could be my whole life and yet I'm letting him slip away. I let some other idiot in, just like Ben did, now I feel like I'll lose him if I don't keep him satisfied, and yet I also wonder whether I should let him do a bit of chasing...it won't work though, as I know that he would never allow himself to follow me, maybe even get a tiny bit worried. I have absolutely no idea what's going through his mind and I probably never will. Is it even worth bothering? Sure, he was a good fuck. And I like knowing that he sees and thinks about me in that way. It's just this bit I can't stand.
I'm a mess.
When did I lose control of everything? Why did I sucum and give in to temptation and then risk it all? Lust makes you do stupid, stupid things...