So here I am in my brand new room. Surrounded by all my photographs of an old self smiling down at me, an arm draped around a friend or two, notebooks and pads filled with lists and worries. But, I'm here. With the help of my dad, together we packed up all my belongings and drove through London's Sunday streets and now I am here. And it already feels a lot like home, which is something I haven't felt for a little while.
It could be all sorts of things that have been making me feel a bit low recently, hormones are probably a lot to blame, what with taking the pill suddenly and then period delay tablets so on Dan's arrival their wouldn't be any unexpected surprises and thankfully, they worked well. Maybe too well! But we'll see.
It was a great night, I was so happy he had come to see me, which was a real effort for him and it's not something I would really expect from him really. I saw him come to my door, his cheeky smile, and we collapsed on my bed and couldn't stop kissing. It was so raw, and I really love that. But when the moment has passed and the desires of lust have subsided, I realise how different we both are. He has an amazing body and I love how he loves it and how commited he is to it, however it saddens me when I see that there's whole avenues of conversation we're not exploring because it simply doesn't cross his mind. HE's watching the ice hockey, telling me bits about the rules and I can't help but feel like an 18 year old me looking at Ben as he explained about the various players on the Chelsea football team. Bored. I mean, it's actually pretty cute. But it's a shame, and it's where I truly miss Joe and think about him a lot.
I get worked up and worried about how I feel about Dan really, I think it's because I really want to fall for him but I'm not really. And the saddest part is that I realise that it really is just sex. I have no idea how he feels about it, because he's such a closed book about these sort of things. He's very hot and cold, can be very offish and yet suddenly, very 'on', quick at replying, lots of questions and time spent. But then, he's got a lot of work going on...I guess he always will have. We're in completely different professions, he's a great success really. I just have no idea if he wants me, or if I'm just something that's filling a gap. But then, he could get any girl he wanted for sure. Maybe I should be a bit more cool with him and see if he catches on, see how he reacts. Actually, he'd probably try and match me with my coolness or do one better and then not talk to me at all, and then we wouldn't for another 5 months.
It's silly really, lots of games.
I've been getting to know the rest of the house and everyone seems so nice and friendly. I felt a warm glow from within, that finally I might be getting closer to where I'd like to be. Not just geographically, but actually surrounding myself with new people, maybe soon I'll be able to get on top of my career and then maybe I'll be able to meet someone new.
Sigh. It's like my heart is still healing but my eyes are still leaping at any male eyes that seem to hold my gaze. There's already a guy here who still remains in my thoughts, although he's on tour this week. There's just a bit of me that really wants to get to know him better, there's a vibe I've already caught from him that is just attraction in the curiosity. We'll just have to see.
Work tomorrow and then Wednesday dad will be helping me out once more in picking up my stuff at Joes. I think only then will it all start to feel real. God. If someone told me that I'd be here in a months time, I wouldn't believe them, with all that's happened. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I get there. At least dad will be there to help, I won't be completely on my own. He's been remarkable lately, I wouldn't have been able to do anything without him. And I'm lucky, because mum hasn't been too encouraging of my latest choices. I don't blame her, she's absolutely right, my life is all over the place. But sometimes I just need her to believe in me a little bit, and be on my side, even if I've no real clue.
Well. 17th of February, the start of my new life in Acton.
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