Are you maybe here to help me hurt myself?

God,I feel like so much is going on in my life right now. Which direction do I take, which road to I go down and where will it take me? 

I can't deny how long me and joe have been together, and that says a lot. But what says more is all the terrible things I've done over the years reminding me that actually I need to be honest with the situation. Am I happy? Do I love him? Or are we just best friends?

Why did Chris choose to message me today of all days? It had the potential to push me over the edge however it actually made me glow a little inside. He's happy in his current relationship which he truly deserves, and I'm happy for him. But when he admitted he still thinks of me and the times we had, it made me wonder if we think of each other at the same time sometimes. Because I can't get him out of my mind. I apologised for the way I treated him in the past and how I was such a mess, and I'm glad I was finally able to tell him that. 

Sigh.

In the morning, it was if though nothing had ever happened. I felt as though maybe the buzz had gone for him and so I just acted the same. But as he dropped me off at the station he gave me the most amazing kiss...how do I feel about it? Him transporting me out somewhere completely different for a while,for it all to crash down on me again. Can I see myself with him? I'm actually not sure, he actually reminds me of Ben in his ways. I feel like a bit of a goof around him because I don't know the things he knows, but it makes me feel strangle in awe of him. Is it worth the risk?

I at least feel I owe it to joe to tell him what on earth has been going on with me, I'm not sure I'll be able to hide it.