Rough diamond

I'm back in my home town, sitting in a coffee shop, looking about at the groups of people sitting around tables nursing cups steaming, then to this phone trying to work out the words through the cracked screen. I could justify spending £80 on trainers but not getting this thing fixed, definitely need to get my priorities sorted. 

I feel calm and thoughtful, for the first time in a long while. Only last night I found it difficult to sleep due to nerves but somehow being back here makes me feel like I'm 16 again. Me and robs used to sit here with caramel hot chocolates and talk about boys and moan about girls in our friendship circle, giggle at latest purchases. She's moved away now. Now I sit alone with a mint tea, worrying about my purchases! (Actually there's been a couple of bargains so it's not been all bad.) I'm waiting for dad to pick me up and I'm spending the evening around his, which I'm looking forward to.

I'm doing the usual, weighing up what it is I'm doing with my life. Where am I living? Don't actually know. Where do I want to live? Somewhere clean, safe and reasonably priced. - the trickiest combo. Who do I want to live with? Do I want to be on my own? With strangers? With joe? I just want someone to take my hand and guide me, so I don't have to make these decisions on my own. Of course, I want it to be a thing that we both do together but it just doesn't seem to be a thing he's that excited about. In fact he's really nervous and claims he can't afford it. But he seems to want to go ahead regardless but...I don't know if that's enough. I want him to be excited, just a lil bit. Because as soon as you let that doubt creep in then that's it. But if you try and put on a brave face then you can kinda power through. 

Sigh. Not happy in the job either but at least I have one for now. I reckon after February things will be changing, and I need to try and get something lined up for then. I'm still waiting to hear back from a business placement that would be perfect...but eventhough its still under review it's likely to be a no. 

I guess I want something exciting to happen, but excitement never lasts for long so it could all be very risky. I can't deny the way I look at other people with interest and my mind just jumps to sexually explicit thoughts and images, I never used to be like this. Every guy I know I just find myself wondering what they'd be like to fuck. But then maybe this is the guys side of my brain coming through and it's actually completely normal to think like that. It's just the acting on it, I know I know...the thing is I really do! I don't mind about the friendship, I just want the passion, the newness! Awful, awful person I am. Maybe it's hormones, I mean last night I dreamt of having a baby, and I woke up feeling both relieved and dissapointed. Why! As if my mind could be pulled in any more directions as it is!! Throw a baby in the mix, that'll surely calm things down! Haha I think not.

It would be amazing though. Everything would be turned upside down but it wouldn't matter because I could pour every ounce of my creativity into this new little being! Bless.

Wait, I need to just deal with one little thing at a time. House then job then relationship (whatever that means) and all the happiness that'll hopefully follow!