'We're living it. Life is the gift'

Keep thinking about a quote from

Jim carrey in an interview once,. He was talking about how we as humans seem to spend our time waiting for 'the gift' but he said he's come to learn that actually it's already here, life is the gift, a very splendid beautiful thing.

I try and take that on board as I go through my every day life that seems such a chore at the moment. A nerve induced chore, if that's a possible thing. It's hard to do, but I know he has a point and I know that a few years ago I used to think that myself. But then growing up happened. 

I also can't help but think of something Louis ck says 'I'm into a new routine and it's really tough, like it's going to be a real drag. But then I think, shit, I'm going to miss this.' And that is also a very true thing, that I know one day I'll be somewhere else doing something different and I'll look back on these times with fondness whereas all I want now is to see the finishing line for this crazy place. 

I sit here half an hour early, nursing tea wondering what today will have in stock. I hope it is uneventful. I'm weighing up whether to avoid home this evening and go back to Cambridge as at my current home (if you can call it that) they're having a party and I really don't want to be there. It's going to be drinking, drugs, lads and girls trying to pull it's just too much noise for what I need right now. Or maybe I do need it? Ha. But if I'm not there my room will be the cloak room and people will use it for sex :( this worries me into thinking that I should go anyway just to make sure nobody does...I feel like an old woman saying that, I'd have never said that a lil while ago. 

Feel sad, worried, alone, just generally downbeat and in the mood to ponder and just miyander around, not stand to attention trying to sell overpriced stuff, I can't be 'on' today. My mind is in other places. I wish I could pull blinds over my eyes and watch films behind them instead. 

Peroid is late. By about 10 or 11 days, there no occasion I can bring to mind of any risk but I'm still worried about it. I just want it to come already, I feel so uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable and nervous as it is, I don't need it physically too. Just, let's just press fast forward please? Until the next era begins and I can start to have fun again.