On a sunny hill top in Scotland, overlooking the squares of green and yellow with the shadows of clouds dotted about over the top. The air is fresh and cool and I feel light and free. Reminding me of holidays with the parents which at the time I found a little boring, but now I'd do anything to get back there again.
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And so,selfishly, I go back to my normal routine, after 2 days of...letting go. Sigh. I feel tired and sad that today will surely be slow and painful as I've only my mind for company and I don't really want to think about things, because, I think there might be love there and I'm not really ready to take that on. The first thought that leapt straight into my head the moment I awoke was that sinking feeling, the realisation that it can't carry on, that 'im really going to miss you.'
But it goes through stages throughout the time we're together, one moment I want to drop everything I know and love right now just to be with him, the next I feel like we've really not much in common. He really invests himself in games, smokes a lot of weed and doesn't seem to want to progress futher in his job, eventhough I'm sure he could if he tried. But he's so generous and caring, and so very attractive. I think he's quiet beautiful.
He helps me escape, and I'm so grateful to have experienced that and all the other wonderful things he helps me feel. He makes me feel like the young, youthful me I still am inside but hide on a daily basis. I don't feel as though he wants me to pretend to be responsible, I feel as though he wants us to be like students again. Oh, the what ifs. We lived together for 2 years and nothing ever happened, why now?
Yesterday I was very irresponsible and hid from work and housing requirements which have now caught up with me. It's stressful not knowing what's going to happen next and I hate being along to cope with these thoughts, I like that he has no idea what I'm going through so we can talk about silly stuff and go bowling with his friends. But if I really wanted to be with him I'm sure my actions have proven enough to him to not go near me, which is of course, understandable. I am full of regret for what I have done but I regret more that I am unable to see clearly as to what I really want.
He gave me a hug and a kiss, held my head as I left. He stood on the cold platform and then I saw him walk to his car. I want him, but I know I can't want that. Where did I go wrong, when did I become this terrible person?
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