Finally, I'm in the big city. Found myself a job before the year was out, a pretty ok one all things considered, at least it'll look impressive on the CV. Got myself nestled into a new place, nice housemates, expensive but not out of the question. And then everything's thrown into disarray again.
Last night one of the girls told me that the house was 'strictly for 3 people only' and her boyfriend 'has never been here' and they've been tiptoeing around the landlady for months. It transpires that the idea of joe moving in to isn't a good idea and didn't seem to be something that was talked about between them before me moving in. This came as a great shock, as I made this very clear prior to my relocating. 'Strictly no couples' she says in her tone I already know well to be like a girl I once knew, who is now out of my life. For the better. I felt sick. I left and called him up to break the news. The evening was going well although I already felt a little out of my depth when everyone was talking about cocain 'sure well of course if you buy 5 grams you get one free...' I'm gladly very nieve about all of that. Still, it made me feel a bit nervous. And then this. In all honestly I'm not sure I can do te distance thing with joe again, for one it'll be so expensive. I'll constantly be rushing around and we'll both miss out on other social things in our various different groups...I just don't know what to do. Harriet informs me that there is nothing to worry about, she would never have said it was ok in the first place if she didn't mean it. But they're fine with living on the edge, taking risks and the like whereas I am not. Especially when it comes to my home. I want to know that everything is above board there and everyone is happy. No avoiding taxes and pretending people don't live where they clearly are. It's too much on top of everything else.
I just feel stupid now. Like a completely fucking idiot. Of course everything seemed to good to be true! That's because it actually is! I knew the time would come where the strain would really be placed on him and I and here it is. I'm not ready to face these questions yet, I want to give it a try first but maybe he won't actually get to me. I feel upset but is this fates way of telling me this is the way it's going to be?
But then I think no. Not here. Not now.
I think of old lovers, old faces. I miss the comfort of another mans embrace. I look around and wonder if maybe I've already passed my future husband in my travels. Maybe I see him every day, maybe I'm soon to meet him. Who knows. Is that even important now? No, why do I get caught in these tangions.
So now I'm on the train home, didn't even say goodbye. I called my dad and cried on the phone as the signal broke up and realised that I need to be home, at least I'll have company and will be able to come up with some sort of plan. Hopefully.
Because I feel betrayed. Like they could have told me before I moved in but no, they dropped this after I'd given them money, it's crafty, just thinking about themselves. Oh well. I'll either have to stay there on my own, or find somewhere else where we can both live. Or consider the single life. Or leave London and consider trying again...no, I surely can't quit? No, I've put in too much now...this is horrible. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over as it'll be my last day and then I can come home for a while and celebrate Christmas with my family.
No comments:
Post a Comment