I don't even know if he wants a relationship. I shouldn't hinge all of my decision making on that fact, but I know that does make me think about it a bit differently. I know him very well, but I've no idea what he'd be like in a couple. I imagine he doesn't want me to see that side of him yet as I am only words at the moment. I know I've got some serious weighing up to do.
But on the surface, I'm happy. It's like a spend every day with my best friend who I care for very much. I mean, I can't imagine my life without him. But that doesn't mean you can have your cake and eat it.
You're a wimp. You commit to these actions without really thinking about the consequences, and now you're here, you just want to stick with what feels most comfortable. And you probably will for another year, but what if someone else comes along?
The grass seems greener. And I've been over there, taken my shoes off and felt the blades moisten the bottom of my feet! So far I know that this much is true. But I'm thinking futher down the line, wondering what it'll be like when the novelty wears off. I've got to be honest, sometimes I'm at a loss of what to say when I'm around him, I'm pretty conscious I sound like an idiot most of the time, which although he finds endearing, I know a lot goes over his head with the stuff I come out with. Right now, I don't even have to think before I speak. I know in my heart that's worth more in the long run. But then, if I decide to keep on keeping on, how can I live with myself and my actions? Because he means more to me, he runs deeper than the others.
The times are incredible. However on both occasions I've been very unwell afterwards, my body won't actually be able to take it...
It's been quiet, neither of us have messaged each other for a lil while and I wonder if it's crossing his mind to block me, that I'm bad news. I'm such a mess. I'm heading home for my brothers birthday celebrations and I'm going to be sitting around the table with all this weighing on my shoulders. It would dissapoint them so much to learn what an absolute idiot I have been, and what I continue to be.
A job rejection email. I know I've got to carry on regardless. I will. I will relentlessly continue until something cracks.
These days are tough.
Trying to decide whether to make a clean break, there is too many options to decide upon. I need insights.
My best friend who has been where I have been before tells me that she regrets her choice to go for the greener side. She said it hurts. I can't imagine what it must feel like.
I've said it before that sex isn't important in a relationship. But of course it is. And that's exactly the reason for my dishonesty. Do I want to throw all of what I have now for someone who can satisfy my needs? It sounds rediculous. And it is. Really, in my heart I know that it isn't him, as great as he is, he'd never let me forget the circumstances and may never fully open up to me. I know that there could well be someone else out there, who could tick that box too...maybe.
What makes this all so hard is the fact that it's not that we don't get on, fall out or feelings are dwindling. It's that I'm ready to move on into the next phase of my life and he isn't. Or, he is, but he's no proactive enough to persue it in the same way. So I keep telling myself that if I make those steps myself, then we'll see what else follows. If anything.
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