So soak it up

I feel like I'm 14 again. When I'd text a boy, completely putting myself out there to hear nothing back and feeling like a tiny, insignificant speck. I'm right back there again. Trouble is, I was so innocent back then, whereas now I know what's going on. And it's my fault.

I feel sick. I have been the past couple of days, particularly before I go to sleep. It's as if my body won't allow me sleep, won't allow me a chance to escape and get away from anything. Which is fair enough. It's just wearing me down a bit now. I just feel myself constantly glancing at my phone in the hope that he'll flash up, why can't he just tell me what's on his mind?

Because he's a good guy. Maybe he's realising what it is that he's done, and what you've done too and that it's not okay. He knows if you visit again it's likely to happen again, you said you would when everything has been sorted out but it hasn't. He's going to need to see more than just words, he's going to need a bigger gesture. Or indeed he thinks you're a complete slut (Which you are,) and wants nothing more to do with you. Just delete his texts and let him get on with his life.

I know i've got to. I have with everyone I've let go in the past...I don't want it to be the end though. But then again, we go through phases of being in and out of touch, maybe it's just another of those distant phases.

Oh and come on, what were you going to do anyway? You know you don't want a relationship with this guy, it'll be like Ben all over again. Chemistry strong in one sense, but none in anything else, you'll just be miserable and make everyone else involved miserable. He lives far away, he's comfortable in an okay job, living with his family, not having to pay any rent, he's not showing any signs of being ready to settle down - which you are! you're only screwing with your own head. Do everyone a favour and get it together, just leave the text hanging and he'll reply if he wants, but if not, let it go for gods sake.

There's too much going on in your life now to worry about another individual. It's upsetting that he feels this is the best way to go about it, but maybe he just needs space.

Tonight I'm going to a gig with my family, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm then going to travel back home with dad with the hopes of seeing my best friend the following day.


I want to cry. I miss being happy.