Sick and Sad.

Lots of tears today.
I feel sick and very, very sad.

I spent a bit of the morning applying to jobs which felt okay, but my mum being my mother caught onto the fact that I haven't been well and have been complaining every now and then about not having much money at hand for certain things and then it began. From stern words to almost shouting, telling me off it soon became, she got annoyed and walked away and I realised that it was both deserved and expected. I know I put my parents in an awkward situtation when I tell them about my situation and how I'm not particularly happy. I know that at the end of the day they want what's best for me. 'You're young!' she exclaimed. She usually likes to bring up the fact that we're not married and don't have children either so I should 'dump him' and find someone else. At the time, I knew what she was saying was right, she usually is. And then I carried on with the day, trying not to think about it too much. "I'll tell him for you! Do you think that'll help??" I very much doubt it, I said shyly. Oh, how I feel about 5 years old in front of her when she starts feeling passionately annoyed about something.
They went out and me and my brother made lunch. When they came back I knew she had been crying and later I learnt that she had been because of me. She doesn't think I'm taking it seriously enough, I guess she's just very frustrated.
So then it became very apparent that I'm hurting more people than I thought I was, which didn't feel good. I now also feel that I don't have anyone to talk to about this sort of thing anymore, which also, didn't feel good.
Later I phoned him, and just started crying. He was being all lovely and the guilt I felt was just too much for me to bare. What am I going to tell him when I see him? I don't know if I can do it, I don't think i've actually got a good enough reason, really. I do love him, the tears just carried on pouring, I'd have to move back here again, I'd have nothing. I really would be completely on my own. And in some ways I know thats what i've been asking for, a clean slate. But this is such a big deal right now.
I just feel awful. Pure awfulness.
And this has all happened over a celebratory weekend which isn't fair for all involved. But I'm hoping on Monday I'll get to talk to dad about it and see what he says, hopefully I'll be able to find some comfort somewhere along the way.
I feel so lost.
I feel like I'm 18 again when I first broke up with Luke. Actually no, I feel loads worse than that. What the hell have I done? What the hell is going to happen next? I love him, he's my best friend but I know he deserves better...

My eyes have been opened.

I just wish I could be more honest. I wish I could be more angry. I wouldn't be in this mess if I was.

Low.