Pray.

As soon as I dip my toe in the water, I realise it's all too much for me to handle and I want to get out of the situation immediately. Lying to myself in the blog is just a way for me to try and hide from everything bad that I've done, and I know I'll never be able to let myself get away with it.
It was interest. It was sheer delight. But now I know what to expect and he's expecting the same thing, the same wonderful thing, it felt truly wrong and I canceled. Right now I feel like crying. But what over? Is it the fact that now everything has hit me? The fact that this is yet another in the long line of mistakes I've made to this amazing human being? Or is it the pang of loss? Loss of a good friend, that now, amazing sex is off the table and he's being so lovely and understanding about it? I think it's a combination of everything. It hit me that now is the time I'm trying to take charge of my life and as I tipped my head back in the bath and thought about the upcoming couple of days and the lies I told, I realised this wasn't the right path to be taking. Even though lust was driving it so hard, and I allowed it. I suppose I've got to feel lucky I even had that night. But was the aftermath worth it? No. I am playing with fire. I am messing with 2 peoples lives. Everything is rose tinted until I see how dangerous it all is and I know that I'm NOT that person. This isn't who I really am, I'd be going backwards, not forwards. Anyone who comes along and shows me the least bit of attention I really fall for, completely entangle myself within them and their life, jumping at any opportunity to spend time with them, messaging them etc, anything to keep that buzz going. Until they might show me a little bit more than friendship and I realise that maybe it wasn't what I really wanted.

He lives far away. He has a mediocre job. He is a drug user. He is quiet and reserved. He doesn't make me laugh like he does. I know where my heart really lies, even if it is confused and up in the air. This is my life, and I know that I need to sort things out first instead of running away from my problems. Hiding doesn't make it magically disappear. And I could see myself falling deep and losing everything. My old best friend warned me it was the worst decision of her life, I know I need to take note. Either sort out what I have now, or leave it altogether and then find someone who provides what I search for in others. Although I may cry, I know that what I'm doing is the right thing. Sometimes it's harder to take in, but I know that's what counts. I mean, when I read back on my past entries of late, I see how upset I was the day afterwards. I knew that I had made a mistake. I thought that if I did it again it would take me away from my fears, and it would. But it would have hit me even harder the following day.

I hate myself for all that I have done. But now I know that it's another step in the right direction, and I've got to carry on throwing myself into my career and see what come along on the way. I hope, I hope.

I think tonight I will pray.