let the dust settle

Now I have, in the very least, laid the groundwork down.

After the journey back across the country I confided my worries in my dad, who told me what he thought about it all. I value his opinion the most out of everybody else who has given me advice here and there. He asked me what my gut told me in which I replied that it felt two different things. He said that although I was the only one who really knew how I felt about it all, against my mothers opinion, he felt that really my heart has been with him all along.

So when I got back I knew I had to talk to him, it was inevitable. I was expecting the usual 'shut down' mode of self defence, which although understandable, it also very frustrating. It's his way of seizing power of the situation. So I went in expecting that, but quickly discovered that he listened and we talked. The shock and the words he came out with brought me tears time and time again. I can't believe that over the years I have forgotten that he really loves me. And to hear it, made me feel the most upset I've ever felt in my life. It was beautiful and awful both at the same time. I felt overwhelmed by guilt. I still do. I realise that he doesn't deserve me. When he looked into my eyes, it was the same way he did when we first met 4 years ago, it always has been. It's so terrible to discover that the person that's looking back at him has changed so much :(

And now, I don't know what to do. He knows that I'm not 100% happy and that things are stressing me out a lot. But he just wants to carry on. I'm not sure if I'll be able to let it go, or if really, my mind will keep ticking this over until I make something dramatic happen. I know I don't have to do anything, just wait for the dust to settle and wait and see. But, I'm so lost.
Still.

What will tomorrow bring I wonder? I'm just throwing myself into applying. No restrictions. Just going for it. I'm hoping for the best.

I'm so sorry :(