I felt very odd yesterday mood-wise, everything was catching up with me but instead of the usual panic, it seemed to be a slow, almost mellow feeling with a tinge of sadness that grew into a heavier sort of 'low.' What did I expect?
I'm glad I've been filling today up with social happenings, keeping myself busy so I don't have time to dwell too much. I managed to meet my old best friend from home again as I just desperately needed to talk to someone and have a bit of advise about where to go next, if anywhere. Because she's found herself in this situation a few times and I know she understands what this manic episode is about, she could give me some opinions based on hindsight perhaps.
In truth, talking about it all again brought back the giddy sensations and the desire to go and do it all over again, being the selfish idiot that I am. I wanted to be foolish and carefree, drop everything like a hat and just act on impulse. Of course, I know that this is not possible. She also advised against this. The first time it happened to her, she ended her relationship for the guy she got with instead and maintained a steady, fulfilling relationship for a following 3 years. On this occasion however, she felt as though she made a massive mistake and really regrets her actions. I am so worried either of those options could happen be the only choices for me, as there's so much risk involved in both...I don't know. My gut tells me that I need to call of this a mistake and stay with the one I love because at the end of the day, he's my life. But something doesn't add up, something isn't right and...I just can't trust myself anymore. 'Stuck between a rock and a hard place' came up a lot today. I feel terrible. I really, really love J and don't know what I'd do if I lost him :(
Do nothing drastic yet and focus on one thing at a time. Tomorrow will be family and career focused day. See how you feel once the dust settles.
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