The pains of being pure at heart

I'm starting to feel the pressure mounting, becoming far too daunting for me to want to take anything on. I can see this is where everything could fall apart if I'm not careful.

I'm staring into my coffee mug sitting in the sun, watching condensation whirl above it, flashes of rainbow that catch the surface. Suddenly I feel calm again.

Yesterday I saw that one of my old uni friends had received a promotion at work, and is now in a position I would love to be in. I couldn't stop this pang of jealousy within the pit of my stomach, I wanted so much to feel happy for her, but she was never particularly nice to me or worked particularly hard, she just knew to strike while the iron was hot. I then told myself to use the feeling to drive me forward, not dwell on where she is and I'm not at this moment in time. I know I will get there, I just know it won't be easy and may be a slow start. So later on today I'm going to pack up my laptop and head into town, find a little coffee shop and nestle myself into a little corner with some music in my ears and finish what needs to be finished without any distractions. I'll then start to put my CV together ready to start applying for proper jobs next week. I feel nervous about the idea and excited at the very same time, because I know I've not really given it a proper go before. There's a fear in me that feels like I may have missed the boat, like all the good jobs have been taken already, but I know that's a daft idea and the right thing will open up for me in time! It's just not going to find me, that much I know for sure.

Tomorrow I'm going back home to catch up with Robyn by the seafront. I know I probably shouldn't because it's a day I could be spending on my career related stuff, but what with working a lot the past couple of months I haven't seen her as much as I would have liked, and she told me that soon she's moving to Cornwall for good. This means it'll be even harder to see her. I look forward to slotting back into our usual ways, I really miss her. On Monday I'm going to visit and see one of my old Uni friends and housemates I lived with for a couple of years, I'm so excited to see him. We text every now and then but it tails off after we talk about maybe meeting up and it just never happens. So I thought at least now I have some time on my hands and I would make the effort to go and spend some much needed catch up time together. I hope to get merry, maybe a little stoned, watching films talking about the old days and the silly things we used to do.

I'm hoping reuniting with friends from the past will help give me the final kick of confidence to get going, finally get to where I want to be.