Ok. So this will be messy.

Last night (and earlier this morning,) I enjoyed one of the best sexual experiences of my life. And now I'm sitting on the train home, waiting for it to leave and I feel sad and confused. For one thing, I can't believe I've done it again. This makes me an unbelievably terrible person. However, there is a bit of me that thought it could have happened because I made special effort to make sure I was decent in case such an event occurred. I bought a big bottle of alcohol which I knew we would drink and several days previous we exchanged a few flirty but suggestive texts, it was almost leading up to this.

When I first arrived at the station and saw him there, I felt such a rush of emotions. I did feel like I was 18 again, it did bring back old feelings from those times and it was as if no time had passed at all. He is so handsome, the most wonderful blue eyes and such a warm, safe embrace that I remember so well... He drove me back to his house where he lives with his parents and told me about how work was going and what he'd been up to. There is something I've always thought was attractive and cool about him and the way he carries himself. An almost timid shyness that occasional breaks out in a cheeky smile and quick wit. We go to meet a couple of his friends and play pool, and I enjoyed how quickly I was absorbed into his friendship circle although it was a little awkward to know what to say as they obviously weren't clear as to what we were. I play badly and we joke, we go for food and then go back to his again where I meet his parents again, who are just lovely. We go upstairs, drink and smoke, watching comedies and talking about when we used to live together. It gets dark outside and it's rainy and windy, it's cosy indoors and we put on a silly horror movie. The attraction is strong but I know that he wouldn't want to act on it as he's too much of a gentleman but I just couldn't ignore the tingles. It was late and I knew I should retreat but he decided he would too and we hugged whilst nodding off. I fought the urges as I knew it was wrong, my body was on fire though and I just couldn't sleep. One thing lead to another...it just blew my mind. There was a bit of me that thought it could have been awkward and bad but it was completely the opposite. My gut wrenches as I recall this, I know I must so I can let it out, read it over and really think about my actions. It was just a terrible thing to do. But it felt amazing, it felt really right. It saddens me to admit that, more than the wrong doing but how it felt like it really needed to happen. There always has been sexual tension...but I know you can't act on it because it's there, stronger more honest people don't. Oh what have I done. But I must admit, it could be something really special...?

We both agreed it was great but what I did was wrong. What I do next is...just completely up in the air. What I cannot ignore is how pretty soon before it happened I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt, and how I could have got used to how we were. There are things about him I guess I wouldn't be too happy with, he smokes a bit too much and although he's been working at the same job for a long time he hasn't got motivation to progress forward. But, he's compassionate, fun and, a real man.

I look out the window and see my reflection, tired and pale. The guilt is setting in now and I can't believe I'm comparing this to my current relationship, with my best friend :( I'm such an idiot. The thing is, I know I musnt be charmed and confused by a guy who has a job and drives! There needs to be more to it and I think I may have just got over excited...

But, I miss him already and it's been a while sinse I've felt this pang of worry and confusion, I think I probably just need a good sleep and see how I feel tomorrow about things. I'm going home again so maybe I'll confide in mum and see what she advises. Although really, I think I know that if I really am thinking about change in this big way, it probably needs to be with someone new? Make a clean break? ... The delayed tears are here, because I know that nobody deseres this, j is a wonderful, wonderful person and we have something really special. But would I have done this if I wasn't truly happy? Actions speak louder than words, my god I'm such a whirlwind and I'm truly sorry.