I need to regain control.

I feel slow, drowsy and bored. I made a big deal about coming back today and now that I'm here I'm not really sure what my plan of action was. I've spent the day procrastinating, which is so disappointing after a spell of motivation. I've felt something burn out and now I'm sitting in the dark, looking around, wondering when this all happened. I feel lost. I feel like a shell. I'm not the person I once was. I carry so much weight about with me wherever I go on my shoulders, in my mind, so worried and nervous to trip up or make anyone upset. But the thing is, as hard as I try to please everyone I'm actually doing something incredibly upsetting right this very instant and it's caught me off guard yet again. Is it really because actually underneath it all, I'm a very selfish, cold hearted person? I'm starting to think so.

The past year or two I have felt something fade that was once strong in me. I point the blame at many things and sometimes people, but not usually at myself and now I'm here with so much rattling about I realise that that is what it may be. I've let myself come to this. I am not happy. How can I be if I've let so much go on under my nose without me realising it? It's all a big lie. And that makes me feel upset, ashamed and annoyed. What is going to be my solution? I have no idea.

Whatever it is that's making me feel unhappy I need to break away from it. That's the simple thing, but what makes it so complicated is the fact that this will completely change the whole dynamic of my life right now and that frightens me because I have become too comfortable. When I talk to my family about all these things they are supportive of any decision I make. But I know they wouldn't stand for my latest decisions. So what do I do? I move on. I accept that what I've done is wrong and that I will continue to do bad things if the situation I'm in doesn't change or improve. And how do I do that? I communicate. I need to get these feelings out there, I need to grasp back an element of control. Control. That is what it is. That is what I've lost. I'm now drifting in open waters with no direction, I am alone, I have no plans - I have LOST control of my life. It has happened. It could continue to happen and get worse. But I know that now. I have typed it out for me to finally see and acknowledge that it is done, it has occurred and I am NOT happy about it, I NEED to take charge before too much time goes by and I sit back and watch it all go by. I see it now, I know what it is. The flame has ignited. So what next? What are the things I need to take back the control? My career. My relationship and my social life. The big trio. It's intense, there's a lot there to work on. But I need to take each step at a time. What is the most important right now? Career. Have you got the tools to make a start? Yes. Then why not use them!?

I know that as soon as I get started and get the ball rolling, that'll be it. It takes a while for my body to adapt and then it happens when it's the first thing I have to do when I wake up in the morning and my mind won't let me forget about it. I've had today to laze about and be bleak but I can't do this again tomorrow, I have wasted a day. When I have that started I can then think about my relationship and what has happened. I wonder if he senses it. Is he happy to? Maybe he's hiding a lot of feelings and doubts and thoughts that he wants to share...it has always bee our downfall. It will either make us stronger or highlight our problems and then we'll have to see where that leaves us. Am I strong enough if it maybe doesn't go well?