My star sign informed me today that it was time that I thought about what was truly best for me. Not what was adequate, nor acceptable but the best. Now, after the past couple of days I've been through I feel like I deserve the complete opposite to that. But there is no denying that something isn't adding up, isn't fitting right and I know that the feeling is dawning on me that I really am hitting change head on and I need to decide if this is something I do on my own or with familiar comforts. Because those familiar comforts need to step up to the plate and I'm not sure right now they're cutting it...
Okay, enough code. Basically, I've recently made a lot of mistakes. A lot. With romantic, work related and friendship decisions, I am far from perfect. But I want to move past this phase now, I don't want to keep making silly, immature mistakes because I know I'm much better than that, I can do better, I just need to face my fears because ignoring them simply just won't make them go away. In an unconscious move I acted upon an impulse which has caused me great distraction - and I hate it. As soon as I finished work I felt such a surge of energy to move forward, but alas, the completely wrong direction and now I sit looking at my phone, has he texted? No. Why? probably cooled things right down. Someones talking to me, but I can't stop the whiring of my mind that keep telling me I need to be with him! It's just daft. I know that truly, it isn't him. Because if it was meant to be, we would have been a long time ago. I feel I caved to satisfy my old self and her desires but really, I need more than lust in my life. I need stability. And this guy as incredibly hot and sexy as he is, he doesn't have high ambitions, he's a drug user who lives with his parents - I need to stop romanticizing everything and look at it in the harsh reality of morning light. I slipped up, but I am in the position where I can leave it as a mistake, something I shouldn't return to. I don't want to get tangled up in another life who might leave me feeling the same way I feel now. I need someone who's going to exceed my expectations and expect the same of me, look after me, take me places and teach me things. I want to meet the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. That man could be in front of my very eyes, I'm just not sure that he's a man yet. I worry that although I could happily spend another 5 years together, if after that time I realise that he's still the same as he is now, I'll have wasted a lot of precious time. I love him deeply, and I don't know if I', strong enough to tell him these thoughts yet because, he's my life. He's what I see when I wake up and he wakes me up when I'm asleep when he comes to bed to sleep. He's little irritating ways are endearing, he's a wonderful person and he makes me laugh so, so much. I know that underneath it all, that's the most important thing to me. Today he still knows exactly how to get me in stitches and I'm sure he will always know how to. But, is it really enough? Could I ever sacrifice that? You see, that's what I don't know. And if I did, I wouldn't have done the things that I have :( It's not fair. It doesn't feel right. And now my family are sharing their thoughts on the whole thing and it's making me worry. I guess that I enjoy my independence and although we're a couple there are a lot of things we don't share. And eventhough I've helped him in the past at tricky times and they all expect him to help me, I don't feel that he owes me anything. But I don't know if it's really something that crosses his mind, our current set up means that he doesn't have to. I think he may be too comfortable maybe.
Got another tap open with train tickets to run off again. I was very close to booking some again whilst wrapped up in all these fantasy images. But I forget that my mind won't let me forget. And doing that will only make things worse and more complicated. It could potentially ruin a strong friendship and, my life, if I get involved too heavily and I can see how it easy it could all unfold. I've got bigger fish to fry right now, I've got more on my agenda than dicking about trying to work out what guy I want to marry. First, I need to secure something a lot more important! So, I need to turn my phone off, get my research head on and get ready for some grueling applying, because time won't wait for me and I know I'll be kicking myself another 2 years down the line. I'm hoping that when I do find the right thing, or at least something that will help elevate me slightly from the climate I'm in at the moment the rest will hopefully follow suit. But right now, I'm not putting one step in front of the other but actually all over the place making me dizzy, stopping me from concentrating.
Oh dear. Let's get it together.
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