It's been a couple of weeks since I last updated and it's fair to say, it feels like a lot has happened during that time. But when I try and recall what things exactly, I realise it's mostly just been battles with my own thoughts. Sigh. It's been a bit tough lately, I don't know if it's hormonal type of changes or if it's because I'm genuinely fed up. The way I've been feeling for a while now has really caught up with me and I know that soon I'm going to have to face it head on.
I had a bit of a heart to heart with mum yesterday on the phone and really just let everything out and it felt really good, because she's probably one of the only people in my life who will be well and truly honest with me. When I was young, it used to be a bit more painful to hear but now I see it's really for the best. And there aren't many others who will be willing to do the same. She asked me what it was I really wanted, and told me that I would probably be there now if I didn't have certain things weighing down on me. Because relationships do hold you back from things, even if you're not aware at the time. I don't blame him, but I am irritated at myself. "Really, you're investing a lot of time in him and hope that he'll change but I'm not sure he will. Do you really want to find yourself still wishing he'd change by the time you're 35 and it'll be too late?" Although a little harsh, it really rang true with me because I don't think we will ever be on the same page in regards to our futures. I'm not sure how much longer I can carry him along for. And it stabs me in the stomach saying that, because I know I could put up with it for many more years because it's all be fairly smooth and plain sailing. We get on so well, he really makes me laugh. But I know that the more I deny what I really want now in a relationship, I'm ignoring potential people who could really change my life. It's so hard to know what to do...
There's a large part of me that wants to go to palm reader! Or something along those lines. It's a bit 'out there' and most believe it to be a scam, but people I know who've had their palms read have found it rather interesting and it may help give me a bit of hope and encouragement. But for now, I've decided to invest a little bit in my local gym! Not quiet as spiritual I know, but it gets me out of the house and makes me feel much better mentally. Granted, I only started yesterday but already I feel like it could be a good thing for me to start getting into the routine of.
I miss my brother. I hope he's having a good time at Uni, I feel he's drifting out of the loop a bit but I guess I did too in my 1st year, you really embrace the independance. I'm also worried about my dad, as he's been ill with food poisoning recently and he's never usually one for coming down with things, I hope he gets better soon. I'm also growing more and more concerned as my notice period draws to a close. I won't miss the place at all, but I do worry that things won't pan out the way I'd like them to...I'm feeling a lil daunted by it all. Mum suggested I move back home and give the job hunting and agency scouring a proper go without distractions but I'm worried I'd upset Joe too much and he'd get depressed as would I, at least things for now are comfortable I suppose. I want to cry. Ah well, at least we've sussed that it's hormones then...
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