What's pulling me into the unknown...

Things are starting to settle in a bit now.
The past four days or so I've been really turning things over in my head - a lot. Probably the most I ever have in my life. For some reason, I feel that this new position I recently undertook is my golden ticket into venturing into realms I never thought were possible. I build it up into being something I thought was what I wanted, and I pretended to everyone, including myself. It wasn't really until last weekend when I was talking to my family where it dawned on me that; I'm so ridiculously tired. I'm so drained. Anything creative that I once wanted to do before has completely left my mind. I've not even thought about my freelancing work, let alone sketchbooking, art journaling, even these blog entries of mine that used to be so frequent! Everything has taken a back seat, as the 3 hour commute each way drains away my energy to arrive at a desk of leads, people to call, who usually don't want to talk to me. I have to enthuse myself, get myself geared up for each call and be positive at all times as, it's a sale driven position!! There's a chalk board with tallies, an appalling pay rate, fair commission but ridiculous targets which mean the chance of earning a decent wage - not anything close to greedyness - is pretty much impossible. It's just not who I am. I'm not actually money driven enough.

And so, I handed in my notice. They were surprised but pretty understanding, the guy in charge was a bit of a dick about, tried to get me to stay and told me 'I'd regret it' but I kinda expected it coming. It did however leave a bit of a mark on me until the small hours of Monday morning. I got so wound up and worried- what if I have been too dramatic, what if it will get better, what if the position improves as the company expands?? I spoke to my dad, my friends and everyone thought it wasn't the right job for me, and I know they're right. I'm holding onto it because it's in London - where I want to be. But, I won't be able to enjoy any of it because I'll be worrying about targets and my pay check, the long, long day. I won't have time for anyone, even without the commute. I just know I need to stick by my guns and see through this next couple of weeks.
I had today off, because my recent worries literally turned my stomach into a knot. On the train this burning, stabbing pains kept jabbing at me and my head was hurting from this headache brewing and I knew I needed to go home and see a doctor. I was worried about what work would have thought, but then again, I genuinely felt awful. I feel a lot better now for a day of pure rest. It's also helped me formulate some sort of plan, to.

Don't get me wrong, I am so freaked out that I don't have anything lined up for a job yet. I fear that everyone's going to look at me like a but for leaving this job - so what it's shit and totally different to what they told me in the interview, it's employment right? That's what's holding me onto it slightly. I'm not a quitter. But I think what's pulling me to the unknown more is that; at least I can completely be myself when hunting for new jobs. I can apply for things in detail, really do my research, travel to London, do designs and artwork again in my own time. I know that I will eventually find something again, and something that's much better suited to me and who I am. I feel this job would eventually erode into my soul overtime. I am scared. So,scared. But if I'm determined, which I am, I know I will get to where I want to be!

So, it's just seeing through these last 2 weeks. Then it's re-writing my CV. I'm going to get some professional photographs of my work on my website, I'm going to update EVERYTHING. Start my own Twitter and Facebook pages, really take everything I've learnt during this last month into play. I'm then going to get out there and show off my work!


So, I gave it a go but it wasn't for me. I really did. I gave it my all. But I know I'm meant for something else, as is that job role, I know the right person will come along and make them lots of sales. But for me, I need something that uses my degree, something I'm passionate about. Just see where it all takes me...fingers crossed for the future!