Opportunities disguised as failures

Listening to City and Colour through broken headphones, sitting up in my childhood single bed. I really want to sleep, but it doesn't seem to be happening for a long while, so it's time for another 'empty head' entry where I'm sure I'll talk about everything I have already, over and over again. Because that's how I feel- stuck in this sort of loop, which I'm struggling to break out of at the moment.
I know really, what I need to do right now, is take some time to chill out and calm down and let my body adjust to things. But I feel so guilty about it, I feel like my free time is only justified if I've worked tirelessly in the run up before. I just love working. And I really do feel like I'm back to square one again, with no back up plans, nothing to pull out of the hat. I have days where I think about that thought and smile at how exciting it is to be given a fresh start. Opportunities disguised as failures, or something along those lines. It's fate that has encouraged this situation to suddenly occur because it was meant to be; for something much better to come along, the direction my life should take.
Other days however, like today, I feel like I've been a fool, and it's going to take me forever to find anything remotely close to where I want to be. I was an idiot jacking in something I found hard, because, who doesn't find work hard? When times are as tough as they are, why would I consider risking it? But I did. And now I'm not left with much.

I'm back home again. I decided I needed to fill my mum in on what's been going on, but now I'm not sure it was the best move right now because I'm not at my strongest right now and I do feel that she's now worried and a bit doubtful about whats going to happen next. She didn't say that, but then she didn't say much at all, which speaks volumes. She's right, of course. It is a worrying state of affairs and my body is really running up against it's limit, turning over all these thoughts constantly, pains in my stomach daily, weird rashes coming up on my skin...constantly feel as though I'm on edge. I don't want to talk about it all because I feel that's all I do, I hate the idea of seeming so self-absorbed. I'm just fed up of things being so all over the place, I'd love something a little more stable. But then, I need to bring myself back together again and then I feel I'll be in the right frame of mind to take things on properly.

Ah well. Tomorrow I've a day I'm going to dedicate to applying for jobs locally and see where that takes me. I need to apply for proper jobs to, but I'm going to wait until I have proper images first and some proper business advise so I make the most of every application. I need to do my best. In everything. I need to do more. I have to get out of this mode, otherwise I'll grind to a halt. I'll give jogging a go again and see if that helps...oh dear me!